Love

I stopped loving myself a long time ago.  I don't think I ever really liked myself, but I always tried to convince myself otherwise. I grew up knowing that God loved me. I knew He did because He showed me so much. I used to see things and "just know" things. We were so close. And I was so thankful. I was a shy girl who didn't have too many friends. But I always knew I could pray to God and He'd answer me. He was my true friend, and my faith was unyielding.

Somewhere along the road, things changed. My body started changing. My mind starting focusing on other things. We stopped going to church as a family, and my relationship with God started growing further apart. I never had too much, but it started affecting me to the point where I cared. I cared about what others thought of me. I cared so much that I started wanting things that I knew were not for me. I started wanting to live in a way that I always detested and did things I said I wouldn't do. And the deeper I got, the more shame I felt. And the more shame I felt, the more I thought that God had left me. I thought God was angry with me. I was always taught that He'd forgive me, but I just couldn't fathom how He could forgive me for these specific things. I couldn't even forgive myself. I had changed, and I didn't like myself.

I was drinking and getting caught up with guys who didn't care about me, I was selfish, I was lazy. And yet, He continued to bless me in so many ways and I look back and see it all now. How foolish I was to squander and disregard all of His gifts during those moments. I loved Him, but my faith was somewhere in the distance, and it didn't fit in with this new life I had created for myself. I always yearned for Him, and I knew that this wouldn't last long. But I tried to make it last as long as I could. The streetlights seemed more appealing than devoting my life to Christ.  The liquor seemed a more viable option than lifting my hands in prayer. Sex seemed to make me feel wanted. These were all temporary though. And the more I did these things, the more I started to hate myself. So how could God love me?

After years of living this lifestyle, I recently became so emotionally void and sick that I knew I needed God back in my life. I knew that things would only worsen if I continued on this path. But this change has been so difficult. Most of my closest friends stopped talking to me. Some didn't support the change and didn't believe in me. It hurt and I couldn't get past it for a while. But I realized that maybe it was for the best that these things happened. I am constantly faced with issues from the past. And what makes it more difficult is that this past isn't so distant. Much of my thoughts have been changing, but I struggle to let go of some. My mind and heart is constantly at war. I realized that once you leave God, it's hard to turn back. You have to let Him show you another way to get back to Him. I have been yearning to get back to that person who was completely and utterly trusting in God. I have been wanting to feel the love that I felt for Him, and thus for myself. But I am not that person anymore. I've exposed myself to so much that these forces still remain and present themselves in random moments. I do not desire to go back, but everyone has temptations!

But someone asked me a question this weekend that changed my life. Do we truly know that God loves us? I thought about it, and I had to hold back tears. It's what I've been yearning for in this journey. I didn't realize that I already had His love. I've been spending most of my days in regret and shame, thinking about the past. I've been thinking about all of those moments when I could've done the right thing and chose to walk away from God and His plans for me. I've been asking, begging, God for His forgiveness day and night because I have been dealing with this shame. And I so badly wanted His forgiveness. But I was so stuck on that, I couldn't see what He has done. He has been faithful to me. He has blessed me with a family and with a peace I don't think I've ever known. And yet I'm wondering if He loves me. Of course He loves me! He loves us all! If we knew deep in our hearts...If this knowledge existed in our very being, we wouldn't do most of what we do! We'd hold back on so much knowing that God has bigger and better plans than any temporary fix that we could ever invent or throw at one another. God is the very definition of love.

When we live for God, we live for love. This idea put everything in perspective for me. I truly feel as though I can move forward and not feel this war within me. I now see God's love in all that surrounds me. My life has truly changed since I left my past. It took a while but my past is finally starting to leave me. I will no longer allow shame to take control and prevent me from receiving His love, because I need His love to survive. Without it, I am nothing. I cannot praise Him with all that is in me. And that's what I want to do. :-)