Love

I stopped loving myself a long time ago.  I don't think I ever really liked myself, but I always tried to convince myself otherwise. I grew up knowing that God loved me. I knew He did because He showed me so much. I used to see things and "just know" things. We were so close. And I was so thankful. I was a shy girl who didn't have too many friends. But I always knew I could pray to God and He'd answer me. He was my true friend, and my faith was unyielding.

Somewhere along the road, things changed. My body started changing. My mind starting focusing on other things. We stopped going to church as a family, and my relationship with God started growing further apart. I never had too much, but it started affecting me to the point where I cared. I cared about what others thought of me. I cared so much that I started wanting things that I knew were not for me. I started wanting to live in a way that I always detested and did things I said I wouldn't do. And the deeper I got, the more shame I felt. And the more shame I felt, the more I thought that God had left me. I thought God was angry with me. I was always taught that He'd forgive me, but I just couldn't fathom how He could forgive me for these specific things. I couldn't even forgive myself. I had changed, and I didn't like myself.

I was drinking and getting caught up with guys who didn't care about me, I was selfish, I was lazy. And yet, He continued to bless me in so many ways and I look back and see it all now. How foolish I was to squander and disregard all of His gifts during those moments. I loved Him, but my faith was somewhere in the distance, and it didn't fit in with this new life I had created for myself. I always yearned for Him, and I knew that this wouldn't last long. But I tried to make it last as long as I could. The streetlights seemed more appealing than devoting my life to Christ.  The liquor seemed a more viable option than lifting my hands in prayer. Sex seemed to make me feel wanted. These were all temporary though. And the more I did these things, the more I started to hate myself. So how could God love me?

After years of living this lifestyle, I recently became so emotionally void and sick that I knew I needed God back in my life. I knew that things would only worsen if I continued on this path. But this change has been so difficult. Most of my closest friends stopped talking to me. Some didn't support the change and didn't believe in me. It hurt and I couldn't get past it for a while. But I realized that maybe it was for the best that these things happened. I am constantly faced with issues from the past. And what makes it more difficult is that this past isn't so distant. Much of my thoughts have been changing, but I struggle to let go of some. My mind and heart is constantly at war. I realized that once you leave God, it's hard to turn back. You have to let Him show you another way to get back to Him. I have been yearning to get back to that person who was completely and utterly trusting in God. I have been wanting to feel the love that I felt for Him, and thus for myself. But I am not that person anymore. I've exposed myself to so much that these forces still remain and present themselves in random moments. I do not desire to go back, but everyone has temptations!

But someone asked me a question this weekend that changed my life. Do we truly know that God loves us? I thought about it, and I had to hold back tears. It's what I've been yearning for in this journey. I didn't realize that I already had His love. I've been spending most of my days in regret and shame, thinking about the past. I've been thinking about all of those moments when I could've done the right thing and chose to walk away from God and His plans for me. I've been asking, begging, God for His forgiveness day and night because I have been dealing with this shame. And I so badly wanted His forgiveness. But I was so stuck on that, I couldn't see what He has done. He has been faithful to me. He has blessed me with a family and with a peace I don't think I've ever known. And yet I'm wondering if He loves me. Of course He loves me! He loves us all! If we knew deep in our hearts...If this knowledge existed in our very being, we wouldn't do most of what we do! We'd hold back on so much knowing that God has bigger and better plans than any temporary fix that we could ever invent or throw at one another. God is the very definition of love.

When we live for God, we live for love. This idea put everything in perspective for me. I truly feel as though I can move forward and not feel this war within me. I now see God's love in all that surrounds me. My life has truly changed since I left my past. It took a while but my past is finally starting to leave me. I will no longer allow shame to take control and prevent me from receiving His love, because I need His love to survive. Without it, I am nothing. I cannot praise Him with all that is in me. And that's what I want to do. :-)

Thought for the day...Haha----> SO TRUE!

“Vanity keeps persons in favor with themselves who are out of favor with all others” -Unknown

Regrets

I hate who I was
Because it wasn't me
I don't think it's who
I was supposed to be
I don't know how I got caught up
I don't know why I didn't give a fuck.
I said it all the time
But I swear it's not true
Because if I didn't care
I wouldn't try to change for You.
I look back in regret
So much time wasted.
I was such a weak girl
I just couldn't face it.
The problems, the stress, depression and anger.
So I just gave up
And lived a life full of danger.
Cheap thrills at best, but I thought it was something
I look back now, and I only see nothing.
I wasn't working towards dreams.
I was only fronting.
I hate who I was.
So foolish and stupid.
I should have listened and I wouldn't be going through this.

Unwelcomed Guest.

You knocked.
You knocked again.
I asked who it was.
You said it was you.
I asked who's who?
You told me your name.
It sounded the same.
Just like them.
But I let you in...
Yeah, I let you in.
You walked through
My door.
Yes, it was my door.
You saw my welcome mat.
You stepped over it.
You tried to claim it.
When I wouldn't let you claim it,
You shamed it.
You tracked dirt
All through my home
Treated it
Like it was your own.
But it wasn't yours.
It was mine.
It was supposed to be mine.
But you ruined it.
It wasn't home to me.
Not anymore...
You didn't care.
Because you came and left
As you pleased.
You would leave
And go home
And leave me
With the mess.
You were that
Unwelcomed guest.
I couldn't make you leave
But I didn't want you to stay.
People have a tendency
To make you feel that way.
Blame me for the mess,
When it was you
All along.
I admit I was wrong.
I regret you.
I regret what I let you do.
To me and mine.
I always said I was fine.
But there were always signs
Of you.
I had to look for me
In my own home
Where I should feel free.
But now it's a different story.
Now I'm home alone.
And for once I'm not lonely.
I thought for so long
You were the only.
But now I'm content
In my solitude.
Because it is mine
And I do not see you.
So I closed the door
On that chapter.
Because there was so much more
That I was going after.
And you were much less.
You were not the best.
So I was not my best.
And you can figure the rest.
I think of you and ask
What made me open my door to you.
But I'm glad it's locked again
And I promise I won't let you through.

Bochinche.

My name is in your mouth.
And I don't know why it's there.
My name is in your mouth,
And I wonder why you care.
You talk about me as if you know me.
You talk as though you want to destroy me.
How is it that I came to your thoughts?
How is it that strong emotions have been brought
To the very forefront until you have to let it out
And the only name that you can blame through a scream and shout
Is mine.
Yes, I'm fine.
I am not perturbed by your words.
They are empty as the emotion you struck in me when we met.
I am not moved by your words.
They are of a still birth.
Even though you want attention, your name they'll soon forget.
I laughed when I heard of your lies.
I can't say that I am surprised.
Only fools speak ill of what they know not.
And only fools spite themselves by letting their own feet rot.
You try to attack my character but I am a child of God.
And God don't like ugly, and He never spares us the rod...
You see nobody is perfect, so I don't see what your point is.
It's not as though you're free from sin and your life is annointed.
How dare you use His word to gossip against my name.
You're using the word out of context and you ought to be ashamed.
But what comes around goes around
So I am far from upset.
By the time you'll have finished talking,
Your match you will have met! ;-)

Invisible Me

Subtle.
Want to be seen, but don't want to be in the open.
I realize that I've only been hoping
For a moment to make you proud.
But I guess my actions aren't too loud.
I guess you'd rather not look.
You probably have me figured out
Just like a book.
But what you don't see
Is me here, willing and waiting.
I'm not the type to push myself
In front of you and be impatient.
I never miss my mark.
Because I'm always there.
But maybe people just get too wrapped up
In their own affairs.
They don't notice me.
I guess I'm a wallflower.
I guess I appear too quiet
To seem like I have power.
I feel so underestimated
As though people think I'm weak.
I think that they ignore me
Because I am too meek.
I feel like I've been showing signs
But others just don't get it.
And when I speak aloud at times
It's like I never said it.
They say I'm pretty
But they don't know the mind behind my face.
They say I'm quiet
But they don't hear the words that've been disaplced.
So I'm giving up
Because I know that it'll always be this way.
Who gives a fuck
When nobody will even notice me anyway.

The Killers.

I watch my back
To distinguish my killers.
All it takes is one moment.
All it takes is one blind eye.
And I will be gone.
You see,
They exist.
They start out with good intent.
They lead you to darkness.
Then they finish you off.
Yes.
They exist.
Some call it paranoia.
I call it vigilance.
Some say it's extreme.
I say it's necessary.
Because they exist.
These killers exist.
And they want your head.
These killers see you alive
And they want you dead.
Backstabbing killers
Who won't kill you face to face.
Backstabbing killers
All over this place.
I see them in my nightmares.
But I can never make them out.
Traveling in shadows
And darkness.
I must open my eyes.
But I will not seek them.
I will not be moved from my path.
Because that would only relieve them.
Believe me when I point them out.
Truly, these killers doth exist.
Truly, these killers have a list.
It is the fortunate, the happy.
The blessed.
They only seek to end your joy.
They only wish to see blood
Flowing on the path
To which you should be travelling.
It's easy to spot them.
If you'd only look.
Yes, they doth exist.
Not just in a book.
Spirit killers.
They see you smile.
They won't stop
Until they see blood tears.
Yes, they exist
And they've been around for years.
You have witnessed them
In your own surrounding.
They tried to kill your dreams.
And the result were unfounding.
You never put up a fight.
Because you didn't know they were there.
Yes, they existed.
And while it may not have been fair,
You have to guard your rear.
And they know that is your weakness.
They can smell your secret fears
And inflict a wound so deep,
It will kill you almost instantly
And put you right to sleep.
Yes, surely they exist.
How can you have missed this?

Black

Black is the night
That's guaranteed to come
But Black is the fight
That we have always won.
It says that black is bad
In the dictionary
Well sho you right.
Cause we the baddest who ever did it.
That you can't deny.

Family Love.

I watch you walk this lonely road
And wonder when you'll cease.
You hold onto a bulk of emotion
To which you won't release.
I tried and tried time and again
To advise you of your choice.
But every time I try to speak
You don't want to hear my voice.
You say I've gone religious
And you don't know me anymore.
But I'm still the same girl you knew
I just walked through another door.
I grew tired of the constant fight
To live in full content.
I see you in the very same battle
Just to an extreme extent.
I found my happy place in life
And I want for you to find yours.
I know you probably don't want my help
I just worry about the world's allure.
I see you traveling down a path
Of everlasting night.
And I refuse to give up on you
If I can help you find your light.
You are such a beautiful person
Even if you don't believe
I just wish you'd try to remove yourself
From those who may deceive.
Those people won't be there for you
If you decide to change
They'll encourage you to keep your lifestyle
As if there is no shame.
And truth be told, we should feel wrong
For things that we have done
For in moments of darkness we saw some light
And yet decided to shun.
I don't want you to do the same
For fear of something new
For new can be good, despite what you say
So just do what you have to do
You have to give up what you know
For what is possible
For that's the only way to grow
And it's more than feasible.
I promised you I'd be there.
Why don't you believe me?
I'm one of the only ones who cared
So why won't you receive me?
I'm still the same person
I just changed my addiction
And I refuse to apologize
For giving up an old affliction.
I'm still trying to look out for you
But you won't let me be a friend.
Whether or not you allow me in
I'll be there till the end...

Foolish Girl

Charm me with your romance.
Laugh me outta my pants.
Put it on me in the bedroom,
Make me dance.
Tell me I'm special
Even if it ain't true.
Because in the moment
It's just me and you.
Lights on lights off.
Turn me on and I'm never off.
I'm your toy
So play with my body...
My emotions.
I'm all yours boy.
Ready for the games
I just want to scream your name...
For now.
Maybe later I'll cuss you out.
Throw you out.
Tell you get the f*@# out my house.
I'm crying now
But I'll call you later.
And don't dare tell me about her
Because I am a hater.
I don't wanna know.
Yeah, just like Mario.
And I'm Winan for your touch.
Yeah, I'm confusing it for love.
I want it so bad I need it.
It's an obsession and I needa feed it.
So when I call you up,
Please give me that bullsh*t.
Cause you're like my crack
And I need a hit.
Slap me around if you gotta.
Another chance? Yeah, you got a lotta.
Don't you know I'm your girl,
Even though you're not my man?
I know that you're with her,
But they just don't understand.
My girls call you a bitch nigga.
They said I needa pull that trigga
And dead that sh*t between us.
And now I don't know who to trust.
I thought it was you
But you haven't been answering my calls.
And when I see you at the club,
You don't respond at all...
So I throw a fit and get thrown out
And now my name's in everyone's mouth
And you don't know me
And I don't know how to react.
Cause just last week
You had me on my back
Telling me you loved me
And calling me the best
But I'm starting to see
That I'm just like the rest.
I started to stop by your place
But I found out you don't live there.
So I lied and said I was pregnant
Even though you didn't care.
I keep seeing you with your girl.
And you have a family.
I didn't even know you had kids.
I'm stupid apparently.
I'm so pissed off I slashed your tires
And then I keyed the sides.
I never thought I'd do that
But I did it and then I cried.
I don't know who I am
Because I changed myself for you.
It was dumb, I know
But it's what you wanted me to do.
A year and a half of wasted time
With a life that wasn't mine
I believed every piece of the lie
And remained on your side.
You came back around
Why, I don't know
The real reason, I never found
But I couldn't let go.
And now I'm pregnant, for real this time.
With a son, and yes, it's yours
He won't know because I never did
All because I was caught in allure.

Thinking.

I thought myself to be good.
But what if I am bad?
They say God knows our hearts
Better than anyone or anything.
So what does He see in me?
I wonder.
I wonder if my heart changed
Through the years
And I have turned from Him
And become something else.
They say hindsight is 20/20.
Well if that is so
How can I judge myself?
What if I am not a good person?
It scares me to think it.
All these years
I'm coming to see
My ways
For their potential
For their truth
For their deception.
I am myself.
But what does that mean?
In this life
We are only given
Moments
To prove our person.
But those moments
Dictate our eternity.

Quiet Rage

I am seething with a fiery rage
Ready to spew flames for the next
Who tests me in this day
I'm ready for the fight.
Yet I don't seek it in delight.
But I know you.
Try me if you want.
I'm more prepared than you.
Take that step and you will see
I'm no longer scared of you.
I've thought about this moment
And wondered what I'd do.
I've never been one to brag
And this today remains true.
But of all things please know
This has built up in my soul
And when you bring me to that place
I'll be sure to let you know.....

Lost

I sometimes wonder
If it's all coming back
Did I go too far
Am I under attack?
I feel so guilty
And so ashamed.
I feel like I truly disgraced His name.
We used to be so close
And now I feel so far.
I'm looking for redemption
But I can't feel where you are.
I find myself lost in moments
Thinking of my past.
Wondering if my suffering
Will continue to last.
I believe in You Lord
But I stepped so far from light.
I believe in You, Lord
But for some reason, You're out of sight.
I see Your work
And I hear Your word
And I know that I paid a price
I truly couldn't afford.
And now I'm coming to You
Looking for aid.
But I wonder if your blessings
In front of me were already laid.
And I simply missed the sign.
Tell me Lord, are You still mine?
Have you given up?
Do you still care?
I'm sorry for ignoring you
When you tried to be there.
I thought I could save myself
But instead I sacrificed my health.
Now I feel I'm facing death.
Now I feel there's nothing left.
I'm so scared
And nobody knows but You.
Lord take my hand
And tell me what I'm supposed to do.
I want to glorify You, Lord.
Because I now see without You,
There'd be no me.
There'd be no us or we.
There'd be no he or she.
Just an empty world.
I am just a girl.
You can live through me.
I only ask that You take away my pains
I wake up each morning
And feel them over again
It scares me to feel
The brunt of my choices.
To know that I was wrong.
Now I must live with the resonance of dark voices.
I fight it every day.
And nobody knows but You
Only You, Lord
Can know my purpose and truth.

Two sides

My vision was blurred
So my reality was a farce.
Hate was my love.
Anarchy was my order.
Death was my life.
I stood on the side
Of the line that burned.
And yes, deep inside
Is where I yearned
For your love
And acceptance.
And you
Watched easily
as my life
Went up in flames.
Because it was the same
As yours
And now it would be mine.
Late night smiling
Early morning crying
When I was all alone
With no one to phone.
Or at least in my head
I felt I was dead
With nothing to give
Or to do with my own self.
I loved the Lord
But forgot Him for the moment
Even though many times
Into my life He had spoken.
Instead I let things kill me
Rather than fill me
With thoughts of moving on.
I was stagnant.
But I thought I was changing.
My truth was such a lie.
Yet I didnt hide it.
I knew I had changed
But for the worst.
I feared I couldn't return.
At times I still do.
But thanks to Him
I'm changing through
And through.
But now I lost you...
It wasn't my intention.
But things became wrong.
We once sang the same song.
And then we were both crying out.
But I became tired.
I became ill.
No longer could I be filled
With lies and pains
And things of death.
I needed a new breath.
And He was it.
My life is real now.
It means something.
I feel like I have purpose.
True purpose.
And my change?
Yes it was worth it.

Doing Me

"I'm doin' me."
What does that mean?
Is it an excuse for you
To continue into darkness
Killing everyone's spirit along the way?
A maneater or deceiver,
Because you're fooling yourself most of all?
Or does it mean
Simply you're being yourself
Despite what people think?
There's a thin line between the two.
Because nowadays
You can be who you want
Because you might not want to be you.

Is "doin' me" about being free?
Or is it about living chaotically?
When you do you do you feel above it all?
Or do you still feel less than?
When you do you,
Does it free you
From responsibility
To others
And to yourself?
Does it allow you to hurt others?
Or does it just make you feel
Like you can?
Does it allow you to be foolish
Or does it expand your mind?
Does it give you experience?
Or does it give you more than
You can bare?
Is "doin' you" about anyone else?
Or are you about everlasting self gratification?
When you die, will you think about others?
Or will you be "doin you"?

My Prayer.

I fear You. You are more powerful than all the strength of man and his inventions combined. You are the reason why man exists. You are our Creator. And yet, you are so gentle. You comfort the weak and lonely. You are forgiving even though some of us be undeserving of Your grace. I love you. You have given me so much, even though I gave so little praise. I am ashamed in Your presence, Lord. Because I know that each day I continue to sin. And sometimes I don't realize. And sometimes I do. I ask for your forgiveness, Lord. And I ask for a hand up, not a handout. Because too many times I ask when I know I have not the strength to carry the blessing you have bestowed upon me. When we ask, you always give. Yet many times we do not give thanks. Many times you give and we expect it because we know You are a loving God. But most times, we take Your blessings for granted. And we give empty promises of change knowing that we will continue to be the same in our hearts. And even though You know all that is in us, Lord, you still give us chance after chance. I ask Lord that you guide me through to where I need to be. I no longer wish to lean toward my own understanding of things, because I know I would never be equipped to lead myself to righteousness without You. Us humans are full of wickedness from this world. Each day is a struggle to thwart the temptations of this life. But I know for sure Lord that these temptations are merely cheap thrills. I want something that is good and filling. Only Your love can do that. I know because I simply do not thirst the way I did. And although I have my moments where I miss my past, the present me knows that there is nothing in that life. You have showed me something more, and I do not ever want to lose it. I am happy with what I have, although it be little compared to before. Possession be of little importance nowadays, though. Because before I had what I wanted, but lacked happiness when that's what I truly needed. You make me whole, when all the days of my past I was depressed. I now find joy in the little things. I thank you Lord, because you are changing my life. I know in You I can truly find happiness. All these days I searched for something, anything, only to realize it all meant nothing. You are everything. And I want and need it all.

Untitled.

Thrown into your world...
I got stuck without a life perserver
And Lord knows I couldn't swim.
Mom always told me to watch out.
But I didn't take heed.
And now I'm here wondering
How I drifted so far.
Gasping for air.
And being filled
With your black waters
That give death.
How long until I drown?
How long until I drown?

Abuse.

Smack me.
Throw me down
Into the dirt
Slander my name
Leave me shamed
Tell me how
You'll never do it again.
Leave me cold
Come back
Because I beg.
I can't be without you.
I am your dog.
I am your slave.
You're the one habit I can't quit.
But I'm so sick of it.
I feel you
Inside me
I feel vile.
I can't smile.
I can't laugh.
You drained my life.
I am nothing.
You killed me.
Dug a hole
And buried me.
I crawled from the grave
And saw you standing there.
Silly me.
I thought I'd get away.
You pushed me back
Into darkness.
I slept so long.
Then I came back.
I was angry.
I turned into you.
Black and lifeless.
Fighting
For what?
I didn't know.
But I knew I had to.
It brought me here.
Far from you.
Yet you remained
Inside me
My thoughts
My dreams
My nightmares.
My desires
Were full of YOU.
But I knew
You were no good.
But I had to have you.
Funny how addictions work.
Started simple enough.
I began to lean on you.
Then you carried me
Into oblivion.
I couldn't stop
This hellish ride
Even if I wanted to.
And that's exactly
What you wanted.

Appearances

I looked through the window and thought it to be beautiful outside. The sun was shining, and there even seemed to be a light breeze through the trees. Once I stepped out, I noticed it was a completely different environment than I had assumed it to be. When I looked through the window, I did not realize that the apparent sunshine was simply a glare. And the light breeze was actually a gust of wind. The skies were bright but oddly colored. I looked beyond and saw that the eye of the storm was rapidly approaching the very spot I was standing in. The winds took me and carried me to a place I have never known.

Understand that in front of the glass of that window hung a pair of transclucent drapes. And instead of pushing them to the side to get a better view, I glanced without taking my time to consider the weather. So here I am, tormented like the skies before a great storm...

Words I need to learn to live by...

“From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.” - Anais Nin

Lost

When you wander in hopes of finding yourself, you eventually find yourself lost. As humans, we don't want to miss out on anything, yet some things are worth being missed. For they truly rob you of your innocence. You begin to know too much of the world and you will have wished to be ignorant in the end. It starts with a simple action, and soon enough you're involved in complications. And you have no idea how to start anew, because how can you undo everything until you get back to the old you? There's no way. And all the time there was a path drawn out for you, but you had to take the road most traveled. They say the path least traveled is the one that carve out for yourself. But what we don't realize is that God has already created a path for us. And while we think we have our lives under control, He is over us watching all that we do. He has plans for us. Yet we get caught up in the web of the world's ways and often find that we cannot escape unscathed.

FEAR

You were birthed of ill intent and piercing rhetoric. No one knew of you except me. I pushed you into the shadows, only to appear during my weakest hour. As time passed, you grew in stature. There was a time where it took a larger meal to nourish you. After a while, a simple snack would suffice. You became stronger and more self sufficient. You began invading my mind with psychotic scenarios, making me believe the unlikely. I saw your schemes for what they were, a ploy to hold me captive. For a long time,I tried to convince myself you never existed. When I finally realized you were real, I tried to ignore you. But somehow this only increased your power over me. When you overpowered me, I ran away from you. But you always caught up with me, each time with more vengeance. A piece of me died each day, as I thought I would never escape the dark cloud you created. When I finally did seem to be in a better place, you'd always reappear, telling me it would never work out. And you always made sure of that. I kept starting over. And although each beginning was different, every conclusion was the same. You robbed me of my life, and I just knew I had to get it back. I confronted you, but it seemed that situations kept placing me in a position to face you again. For a while I simply gave up and lived in misery, following behind you as you seemed to be living my life. Laughing at me all the while, you dared me to fight back. You were there in moments no one else was. And although I hated you, a major part of me had no idea how I'd go on without you. But I knew you were the worst. I had to do something. I called to Him one night and asked that you be removed from my life. He didn't hesitate. And I can't say I don't think about you, but I definitely don't worry about you taking over again. I no longer feel you lurking and waiting for hell to break lose or even going as far as creating upheaval. I realized that with or without you, life is going to happen. With or without you, there is going to be struggle. But the biggest struggle is living a life of regret. And I can't let you get the best of me anymore...So while you go about knowing that you have plenty of others at your behest, know that I will never cater to your desire for control again.

Mutiny

I've been wandering the seas
Seeking answers in these waves
Although they be trying,
I keep suffering
In hopes that
There is a deeper meaning.
I know that He leads life
Alone although I
sometimes think
it is I only
Who yields the helm.
It is in those moments
That I jumped ship
And swam.
The destination?
I did not know.
And I struggled
To hold my breath
In those times
When the frigid waters
Overtook me.
Unecessary was my fight,
Yet through my plight
He sailed beside me
As if to say
He knew I'd return
To serve His command.
And when I could take no more
I reached for His preserver
And He pulled me in
Into His loving embrace
And His promise
To guide me
To my destiny
As long as I stayed true
To Him & Him alone.

Haters

When they talk about shade,
You come to mind.
Standing in silence on sidelines.
Telling everyone
It's too good to be true.
Cause nobody knows life
The way you do.
Right? Ha...Syke.
Loathing my light
From a distance you stay.
Because my good makes YOU
Feel some type of way.
I can't help who I am.
You wish you could be Sam.
You want my green eggs and my ham.
But you never made
Your own plate.
Looking for mine but I already ate.
Trying to put someone on
When you're already late?
Why are YOU upset?
You can't regret
What you didn't get.
You're lost
But I still see you.
Trying to talk about me
To my own people.
I would say be real,
But you don't even know self.
Been hating so long
You don't know anything else.
You can front like you're that nigga.
And figures don't lie
But liars do figure.
When I feel joy,
You feel pain.
I felt that once,
But I cleaned up that stain.
You're covered in the filth of disdain.
And it just aint pretty.
Yet you walk around
Like you're high sidity.
When they see you,
They scoff and laugh
Cause nobody's perfect
But you walk a muddy path.
With a broken past,
Everyone knows your game.
But you have the nerve
To spread rumors
With so and so's names?
I'm just sayin'.
Trying to kick knowledge.
You could've went to college
But you had too many babies.
And now you want to hate me.
Calling me stuck up
When you should just buck up,
Do you,
Make a path
And see it through.
And I'm not even there--
Yet, so I don't think it's fair
When you cut your eyes at me
And stare.
Because I might be dolled up.
Dress right, heels high.
My nose ain't to the sky,
But ain't nobody seeing me
Eye to eye.
And I call it how I see.
Visually and mentally
You're not the same as me.
I don't care about you
Yet you envy so shamelessly.
Creating clouds
From blue sky
I wondered why
For so long
You wanted my name to die.
Well here I is.
I'm sorry
But I am strictly about MY biz.
Not concerned with you
So do what you gotta do,
To get where you have to get.
So you can stop creating conflict.
They say game recognize game,
But I just don't feel the same.
I say the wise realize the mundane.
You see, nowadays it's so easy to hate.
Because your life ain't right,
So everyone's achievements you try to abate.
Don't get like me, get like you.
Find something
That's worth it all to you.
Then maybe you can understand
my sentiment.
I'm not looking to destroy you
But you have become a casualty
Of your very own resentment.
Recognize it wasn't with intention
But if it leaves you bitter,
I give you permission
To blast me on Twitter. ;-)
.