Ah. Life.

It's getting real out here. Life is not a dream, this is a reality to be taken seriously! I look back to a year and a half ago and realize that everything truly has changed, even more than I had originally realized! God is making moves consistently, and it's been a struggle to keep up but I am trying my best. I'm struggling with my own self, trying to get past a lot of my ways that have kept me back. It's hard getting past old hurts and pains, and it gets harder everyday because I realize now more than ever how deeply I am hurting. I just want to get past it so I can move into the place that God has for me. Specifically, I never realized until the last couple of days how deeply it bothers me to be publicly embarrassed. I always hated it, but I didn't realize until today where it stemmed from. After spending years of being a laughing stock, I didn't realize how much I had grown to hate anyone who had done it to me henceforth. And then I realized that I hated myself. I had no confidence then, and I struggle with that even today. I try to think past it and consider God's opinions towards me because I know He loves me, and I know He cares. But sometimes I don't love me or care. Go figure. And here I am, trying to figure my own self out so I can get over it and move forward with life. Now I recognize the problem, but it's still hard to move on. Who would've thought? Got the solution but can't solve the problem. Lol. I guess that's life. Thanks be to God that we have Jesus, who can heal us of our hurts and pains. Thank the Lord for the Holy Spirit, who can help us move forward and get away from fleshly inclinations and start living on the spiritual level. Help me Lord! 

Crisis

In times of crisis I've learned to turn inward
But it's such a struggle to do it
I know it's me. Trust me, I know it's me.
And it's so ugly when I see it, but I can't stop it.
I pushed it down and swallowed it down
Until I thought it was all gone.
But it came back up, regurgitated like an old meal.
It reminds me that it's not so far removed.
It's all right there, ready to make itself known
When a familiar situation comes into play.
I can't blame the enemy, because I know it's my own self.
I'm my own enemy. I'm allowing it to continue.
I have to ask myself if I really want to stop it?
Because it feels so normal to feel this way.
It's all I knew for God knows how long.
He knows this deep dark world within me
Better than I can even realize and see.
Only His spirit in me can conquer this.
Only Him.

The Enemy

What do you do when the enemy is on your heels
Waiting for you to change how you feel?
As long as you're far from the Lord the enemy is okay
Watching you go through your monotonous day.
You haven't considered God and you haven't considered the Word.
But when you do he's ready to create some discord.
He wants to test and see how far you're willing to go
To get to the light at the end of the road.
He doesn't want you to follow Christ
Because he knows what you can do when you push towards the right.
With Christ you can do all things, you just have to believe that fact.
And don't just read the scripture, but act!
And see how the enemy tries to inflict pain.
But recognize that most of his tricks are the same.
He uses what's in you to bring you to your knees.
Don't give in because God has exactly what you need.
In Him you can conquer any battle within self.
He is your strength and your help.

Daily struggle

Thank You Lord for Your guidance.
You always steer me in the way I should go.
You tell me when I'm out of order.
Even when I don't want to believe that is so.
I end up realizing through Your word,
The way in which You expect me to act.
I sometimes forget that I am Your child,
And I end up reverting back.
But You want me to chase after You and Your righteous ways.
And so I strive every day.
I don't always get to that destination, Lord.
But I ask You to help me to face this battle against sin and endure.
Each day is a struggle, and I feel it in my very being.
I trust that You will purge me Lord
Of this wicked and ungodly scene.
I know my ways are evil in Your sight
Because I feel my innermost parts cringe.
I know these are not ways in which You delight
And on the edges of hell is where I infringe.
Lord send me Your spirit to hold me in place
When I just want to go off the deep end.
Lord send me Your Comforter
When I feel like I don't have any friends.
My life is in Your hands
But my actions are in my own.
You know me better than anyone else Lord
And You know I'm not spiritually grown.
So I need Your guidance every day
Because I struggle with my flesh.
Help me to be obedient to Your will
Because I know in the end, this is what You will bless.

Real Love

God is placing some really great people in my life. As I look at my current surroundings, I realize that each person is different and unique.  Each person forces me to look at myself and challenge the way I see things.  I've learned so much, especially in those moments where I didn't necessarily want to learn anything from that particular person.  And yet, God used those moments to teach me some of my greatest lessons.  Some of the lessons were dark and showed me the error in my ways.  Others showed me how to be more positive. Some just showed me what it meant to be more encouraging to others.  God is teaching me how to love all over again. 

Nothing

I am nothing
Yet I am something to God
I am His if I allow
I am something He made
Special and specific
Meant to do something terrific
Yet without Him I'd fail.
Meant to coexist with
His power and love
And grace when I mess up
I am nothing but a sinner
And He knows my heart
Sometimes evil things flow
In every direction I go.
It's me, it's me, it's me, oh Lord!
Your Word is a truth sword
Cutting me to my core
But everytime I want more.
I want to be something to You.
But I need to purge this nothing
And fill it with Your truth.
Your light has shown
Over the darkest parts of me.
No longer can I hide
That which is clearly seen.
It shows that I am less than I claimed
But I am more than I was named
All those years ago
You know I traveleled down that road
And I'm trying to get back
But with each day there's an attack.
The guilt and shame, afraid to utter my name
Feeling worthless every time
Forgetting that Jesus you are mine
And I am Yours. I am justified to go forth
And be a witness to You my Savior
And you have shown me great favor.
So I know I am something
Yet I know I am nothing
Without you.

Squalor

My heart has felt empty, but it's been filled with the wrong things.
I've been searching for something to make my heart sing
Anything anyone to call mine-- a friend, a foe, a lover, a beau
But they never come around and I wonder why.
Then I realize it's something inside.
There is no love in my heart
No song that fills me and brings me to smile.
No thought that makes me want to love so much
That to lose love I would rather die.
No warmth or normalcy, no that hasn't ever been me.
My heart has been a place of squalor that I've lived
So free and generously did I give.
I thought it was love but was it really?
Or was it done with expectations of love returned freely?
Oh, but love is never done, it just is.
And I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea of this.
My heart can't wrap around the emotion.
I don't even love myself at times, figure that notion.
Fearful to say the word hate,  but it's a harsh truth.
It would be rash but I've thought about this longer than a moment or two.
I hate that the love I received wasn't enough
To get me through all of those years of a life of hate.
They hated the love right out of me and I believed in it.
I hated me too and now I have become deceived in it.
I thought God's presence would change my heart
But God said that the hate that I keep would keep us apart.
And I haven't let it go though I try to act like this is so.
I confuse everyone with old faces and it hurts my soul.
And now I feel so alone.
I want a new heart but I can't get past me.
New experiences and a new life but I still don't feel free.
I am trapped in this place of squalor that I've lived
Thinking I'd be liberated when I would falsely give.
Love is not tangible, it just is.
And my heart just hasn't been able to wrap around this.