The Truth About It

I leave the bones in the grave,

As not to disturb the dead.

The past has been so for some time,

And I'm finally at a point of rest.

Though I think about it once in a while

And come to a moment of unease,

I push beyond the hurt and pain,

And lay my head on the pillow of relief.

Spiritual Space Travel

Take my hand and guide me

Through a world that I can't see

Fly me in first class on a cloud

To Your spiritual stratosphere.

As I whiz by I brush up against a star

And feel a powerful wind whip

Through my hair and face.

I feel out of this world,

And I feel Your infinite power and love.

Your spirit guides 

Each swirl of color

And each harmonious sound.

Everything is under Your control.

And even though I cannot see You,

Lord I feel Your presence here! 

:-)

A woman's sacrifice.

You entered my mind
And with each lie
My heart began to change.

You entered my body
And with each thrust
A piece of my spirit exited.

You entered my soul
And as I let you take over,
I lost...Me.

I have become vacant,
As I have given you all of me.
You refused to return to me
What was mine.

What I have from you
I cannot use.
I realize that what I had
Was worth way more.

Untitled.

A quick word: I wrote this because I started thinking about how so much of our society tells us that God doesn't exist anymore. We rely on our own abilities to make money and survive without ever looking to God for help. This is not to mention the fact that we barely give Him praise, unless He does something to bless us. We have forgotten His infinite power and practically mock Him on a daily basis. We curse in His name, make fun of those who try to spread His word, deny His existence...but at the end of our lives, surely we will call on Him! But the question is, will He answer you? Will He answer me?


Our modernity has learned to speak back to us.
And it says that we don't need You, Lord.
It says that we got here without You.
And maybe it's true in a way,
Because Your hand is not seen
In most of what is created by man.
Weapons to kill.
Jails to punish.
Scholars to judge.
The mob to riot.
We have turned into monsters,
Devouring our young and showcasing the carcass
To scare off any that may try to change things.
Some of us even hide our fangs in the light of day,
So that we may appear to be "good"
Even though only You are truly good.
You see all that is within us
From the beauty to the rot of evil.
Although You remain, it's almost as though You are absent,
Waiting to see when Your children will make a change
And believe in You again.
Because believing in what is of this earth is without reason.
For what is of this earth shall remain on Earth,
While what cannot be seen is what will be judged.
Lord show us all the road back to You
And salvation.

Fear (Part 2)

It used to be fear that stopped me.
But it is now fear that drives me.
Yet, it is a different kind of fear.
I fear You.
The more You grow in me,
The more I recognize Your power,
To change, subdue, increase, and destroy.
You strike fear within my very being.
I don't fear calling Your name,
Yet I fear the idea of You answering back.
You are so real yet I never saw You,
Only Your works.
You are so real yet I never heard You,
Only Your word.
You are so real yet I never felt You,
Only Your spirit.
And I stand afraid of all these things,
Because I know the truth.
Yet it is that profound truth
That draws me closer.
I yearn for Your truth and power within me,
Because through You and only You
Is anything possible.

Seeds.

You planted seeds in me from long ago...
And ever since these thorns have been trying
Trying to kill off what you wanted to grow.

I know.

I know You changed the world by Your presence.

I know You changed the world with Your death.

I know You change the world while they laugh.

And You'll have changed the world after they wept.

Lord I know You changed the world because You changed my heart,

A mere piece of the Earth.

Dust and particles centered around a soul.

Lord You are the one who makes me whole.

You are the only one in control.

And while others may walk about blinded by their grief,

I stand here knowing, strong in my belief.

Why can't they see past the fog of selfishness?

Why can't they hear You calling their names?

Lord why do they grab for what they cannot take with them?

Why don't they understand that every day is not the same?

But then I realize, there was a time when I did not know...

Let.

Let them laugh when I cry.
Let them shout when I stand silenced.
Let them fight while I am at peace.
Let them be merry whilst I lay in misery.
Let them ignore me when I need attention.
Let them all do what they must.
Let them mistreat me when I am just.
Let them boast while I struggle.
Let them jump when I am paralyzed.
Let them hate me when I love.
Let them stand tall when I have fallen.
Let them throw salt on my wounds.
Let them all leave me in their dust.
Let them all be friends when I need only ONE to trust.

Closer

Your power overtakes me.
Your wisdom penetrates
The most stubborn parts of me.
Yet you are gentle.
Your love caresses me
In moments of peril.
Your grace reassures me
Even through my own faults.
And so I awoke with You
In mind and in heart,
Wanting only to be close.
Your presence leaves me
Enamored and empowered
To live only for You.
Your light brings notice
To my blemishes,
And so I strive to be cleansed.
As time passes You wash away
The spots of tarnish
And You heal the decay.
You are my food.
You are my drink.
You are my medicine.
I just want to be closer to You.

Unwelcomed

I swept my house clean.

I took your things 

And threw them out,

Because I really don't care about them anyway.

I cleaned my windows,

The ones I couldn't see out of.

Now the sun shines through my curtains.

I aired out your sickly sweet stench.

Now it smells like moments after the rain.

Refreshing.

I changed the furniture around,

It doesn't look like anything you ever thought of.

I got a new lock and security system,

So you can't get in even if you wanted to.

I doubt you'd figure out the code anyway...

I saw you on my porch

Waiting for me to let you back in.

Well you're no longer welcomed here.

Tornadoes.

They say we simply live to die.
Like a forceful wind we come through the town
Taking up a piece of everything in our paths.
We carry both treasures and trash
And at the end we settle, as the dust
That remains from the storms we've created.

A Message For "Past"

I tried to run from you
Many times before.
You keep coming back
Like a reopened sore.
My mind tells me you don't exist,
But my heart feels pain when I try to resist.
We seem to be attached at the hip.
What is this?
I hate that I can't get away!
I thought I faced you on that day.
I thought I said all I had to say.
I'm tired of your maneuvering
Planting ideas in my mind while I dream.
It would seem that you'd like to reap havoc.
Well I cannot and will not have it!
I made it a point to leave you
Where you last destroyed me.
Don't make the mistake of thinking
This will continue to be...
I'll fight you forever
If that's what it takes.
The old me has died
And so my past I must abate...

Failure

Failure is not an option when it comes to God. I don't want to be one of those people who start off on fire for Him and end up back in the world. That's not what I want. I don't want to go back out there knowing what I know now. I don't want to go back after truly realizing who I was and what I had become. It's hard to live this life walking with Christ. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my entire life. But then again, it wasn't just about action. It was in my heart to change. My spirit is where that desire to be new in Him was born. I couldn't have done this on my own. I would have failed, like I always did. Let's look at that idea.

When you fail, most times it's because it's not in your heart. It's about YOU controlling the outcome. And the reality of life is that none of us control anything. We like to think that we do, but it's all about God. He is the only one that can determine what happens. We like to throw these labels on ourselves and wear them as a badge of honor by saying we're independent, intelligent, hard-working...Why?...When despite all of our "efforts" we can still end up in the worst of the worst situations? And yet, we continue to live without giving respect and praise to the only One who is in control. Oh, sure we say "Thank God I'm alive" or "Thank God for waking me up this morning" but then we go right back out into the world and keep doing what WE want to do! I finally see that after all these years of doing the same thing and not being successful, I understand the reason is that I never put Him first in all of this. I had my own plans, my own motives. And all of them were about pleasing myself. I didn't really care about anyone else, or God even. He must've been disappointed in me...I know I would've been.

Failure is powerful. At the end of it, failure can leave you feeling worthless. And when you feel worthless you don't step out. You are ashamed. You might feel guilty because you did something you knew was wrong. You might be angry at yourself. You might feel all of the above. Whatever the outcome, the worst one is when you don't learn from it. It's the worst when you fail and go right back into doing what just caused you to fail! I did that a lot of times, but I couldn't see where I was going wrong. I thought I had the reason, but it was my whole lifestyle that was the main problem. It's funny how we as humans try to problem solve. And many times we miss the bigger picture. We think we've got it figured out, but we fail to see and understand the interconnected workings of our lives. We fail to know our true selves.

But I think the first step in getting out of the habit of failing is recognizing the failure and knowing that you can't do it alone. Without Him, our efforts go unnoticed and don't amount to anything. You think coincidence really exists?! Ha. I dare you to find an instance where God wasn't on the job! Even through all my mess I can look back and see that God was protecting me. There are times when I could've easily died....that time I blacked out. That time I got in the car and we were drunk driving to CT on a highway covered in slush and black ice? I've done some straight up FOOLISH things and I look back and thank God for watching over me. That's not a coincidence that I made it out alive. It's not a coincidence that right as my mom was in her last years of life, my relationship with my father grew. It's not a coincidence that I'm rebuilding my relationship with God after all these years. And I'm a nobody in this world. I know that, but if He can save me from myself, why can't He save you?

Remember, failure is not an option! We were created to be more than what we limit ourselves to!

The Thirst

I took a few steps to get to You,
Hoping you would notice me
And take over from there.
I knew You would come for me
If I began to seek You out.
My heart was on fire for something more,
Something I knew deep down
That only You could provide.
But the fires died down
As time passed on...
And I wonder today
If I truly thirst for You
The way You do for me.
Each day You give me chances
When I might be quick
To retract my outstretched arms.
Each day You love me
Even when I hold onto my deeply rooted hatred.
Each day you carry me
When I have clearly given up.
You thirst for everything within me
But I seem to only thirst for the positive things
That come with loving You.
And so I wonder
Do I truly thirst for You?
I haven't forgotten You.
I desire to know You
And I desire Your presence in my life.
I don't want You to just fit in.
I want You to take over my life
Until there is only You.
I often wonder what is blocking You from me.
I know it's my own fault.
I know my mind and heart have guards
That I sometimes can't even break down.
And so I need You to break me.
I broke myself but it wasn't enough.
And so I need You to break me,
Until all I thirst for is You.

Untitled 2

With open arms I invite you
To join in this truth.
This truth you have hidden from view.
Secrets fill your life
And your eyes tell tales
That your lips contradict.
Your ears can't keep up
And you become confused.
I watch you convince yourself
Of the facade you've created.
Is it done to appease others,
Or does it please you?
Is your heart open enough
To receive this reality?
Is your spirit burning for Him?
Or have you let your desires
Stomp out His flame within?
When will the light break through
The darkness of your manifested shadow?
Break from this darkness
And step into the warming sun
Embrace the truth of you.
And with it
Comes a passion that is not contrived.

Dead Memories

While the world moves on,
I often find myself stuck in a moment
Thinking of you.
That early morning in July
I lost you.
And my world forever changed.
I find it amazing how life moves on,
Yet you could not.
What does it mean?
Where does life lie?
Because a part of me went with you that day.
How could they lie to me?
How could they say those memories would be sweet?
How could memories hold me until we meet?
I know God had a purpose for you
And for me.
I'm still trying to figure it all out.
I trust Him, but I still miss you.
I believe in Him, but I still miss you.
I follow Him, but I still miss you.
And as I move forward
I struggle to keep you alive in ME,
And in my mind
And in my soul.
I am a part of you and you of me.
So how is it that I remain
Along with your name?
I wonder.
I thought I died when you left this world.
The pain was surreal.
It hurt so bad I couldn't feel.
All that you taught me, left me.
All left until there was only a void
That filled up with anger and resentment.
I said and did bad things.
I remembered you wrong.
And now I'm here trying to remember the truth of you.
Who were you?
I remember bits and pieces.
But these things never made you.

I try to keep you in my grasp,

With memories.

With songs.

With pictures.

But none of it lasts,

Just like your life.

With your life these memories truly lived.

And now I'm stuck with scattered artifacts,

Old and dusty with a story.

But the story is just that,

Glorified and made for entertainment.

There is no soul in this tall tale.

With it, I can't see your smile.

Hear your soft spoken voice

Remember your hugs or feel your fingers through my hair.

It's all in the distance somewhere.

I reach daily, but I struggle to grasp you.

I desperately miss you in moments when I need you most.

I just try to remember that one day we'll be reunited

And it'll be better than any story that could've ever been told...

That Girl

I wrote this after thinking about my own life & what people probably thought about everytime I said I was going to change...Lol. Well, I did change this time, & I'm proud to have made it this far. The journey isn't over, but even getting this far makes me want to share my story and help others realize the truth about this life that we so often mistake as a game when it's not to be taken lightly. Do you want to change? And if so, why haven't you done it? Is there something holding you back? Evaluate whether or not this obstacle is real or just made up in your mind to use as an excuse NOT to change. And are you changing because it's in your heart to do so, or are you doing it just for appearances? Ahh, questions to consider!


I swear I know you from somewhere...
You were that girl I used to see...
Yeah, it was you!
That girl you thought everyone wanted to be!

The one who walked on and talked over,
The party girl who was never sober.
Yeah, that was you, wasn't it?
And now you're alone with not a single bare shoulder.

Yeah, I know it was you.
And look at you now.
I wonder if you're at the point
Where you're questioning "How?"

I wonder if you really want to change?
Or do you just want your life
To appear to be rearranged?
I guess on the outside it's all the same...right?

The Darkness In Me

I let you carry me on your wave,
When I didn't even know how to swim.
Foolishly I thought I was safe.
You brought me to stormy waters.
You cast me from your boat
With no life preserver.
You tricked me with promises
Of my hearts deepest desires.
But when I got far enough out to sea
I realized that no happiness dwelled there.
Only cold dampness
That was sure to kill any life within me.
Once alone and drifting,
Not knowing if I'd make it,
I called for a savior, anybody really.
But nobody came,
Only a spirit.
It was Him.
Only a spirit,
Yet He began to work on me,
Touching places that I did not see, hear, or even feel.
Showing me how dark my desires truly were,
Sinful even.
Showing me how my own iniquity
Brought me out to the middle of nowhere
Where there was no refuge
Where you planned to destroy me.
I looked into your face
Yet I did not see your true intent.
How foolish of me
To fall into the trap that you laid
Based upon my own flaws!
I suppose I didn't know myself.
I suppose I wasn't strong enough.
I suppose I wasn't wise enough.
And it's all true.
Only He could have saved me from this disaster
Called myself.