Trust

I want it. I swear I do. I don't know how or when I lost it. But I've been looking for it ever since. And my mind never sleeps. But when my body wakes up, I'm yearning to feel like I can believe again. My faith has been shaken to its core. At times, I feel like I've lost my relationship with Him.

For a long time, I forgot to call on Him when I needed to the most. Instead, I relied on worldly things to carry me through to happiness. And for a while, I was content in the frivolity of my life. I fought for nothing but to gratify my innermost desires, no matter how wreckless the outcome would turn out to be. I was rotten inside, yet I didn't feel the sickness taking over me. I lost my compassion for others. I lost the desire to make a difference. I simply rested on my own understanding of life as I knew it in that moment which appeared to be a life of sorrow, disappointment, and self pity.

I hid behind the guise of painted eyes in jewel tones and a slightly curved lip. I decided my life would be about me, and whoever disagreed knew nothing at all. But in reality, it was me who knew not. They told me I was beautiful and had the world ahead of me, but I had no intentions of living up to anyone's expectations. I was going places, but I was deciding the destination. Then I awoke to see the destination I had arrived at. It was dark and I was alone. I shed a tear in the secrecy of my pillow each night, as nobody knew what I felt or even why I felt the way I did. They didn't know I came from a place of loving God and Him loving me. What happened to those days? When did I stop trusting in Him?

I try to remember the moment I gave up on Him, because I think back and see that He never did fail me. And so, I'm trying to get back to that place. I'm trying to get to that place where I can simply call on Him in those moments of need, because it's not about being the best Christian, but having faith in the little things. The smaller details have the greatest significance, as God does not judge based on whether or not you know every scripture or appear to be just and right. Appearances are nothing if your heart is not in sync with the action.

As I think back, I realize that I have no reason to not trust in Him. Yes, some things have happened that have brought me great sorrow. But I believe that God has a plan for everyone and everything even if we don't understand the purpose in those moments. I now see that through the tragedy of losing my mom, God has blessed me with my father. I remember praying each night before I went to bed in hopes that God would allow me to meet my dad, and I not have a very close relationship with him! How is God not faithful to me?! He has always blessed me in my most trying times, and I need to trust in Him like I used to and know that He will bring me through it, if I believe. My father told me that God will not honor your prayers if you don't have the faith behind it that shows you believe it truly can happen...And that's TRUST.

Private Numbers.

I've always hated private numbers. When they call you, you never know who it is until you pick up the phone. The whole reasoning behind caller ID was to identify the people who call you ahead of time. It leaves too much mystery, and that's possibly why people just don't bother to pick up blocked calls. 

When a friend is like a private number, it's hard to deal with the entire relationship. You never know what to expect from them. You could have the best time with them one day, and it could make you believe that times like that are what keep your friendship in tact. Other moments might be more disappointing, and you'll question what it really is that keeps you around. In the end, you realize who they are...you realize who you are.  If the friendship ended because of negativity, you find yourself wondering what you would have done had you have known who "your friend" really was. You wonder if they would have befriended you had they known who you were, too. Of course, people naturally put up a "private block" in order to protect their interests.  And the image they convey is what they'd like to be, but not necessarily who they really are. 

The point behind private numbers is to hide who you really are, and if that's the case, it represents how scared you can become to let others know of you. There's a certain dishonesty that leaves others with disappointment due to unfulfilled expectations. There's nothing wrong with a private number until you let it hurt someone else.  If the issue you're hiding could be detrimental to another, it's important to be honest about it all.  People should have a right to know whether they want to pick up the phone, and ultimately allow that person to talk to them, so to speak.
 

In the end of it all, we want the option of not picking up if we feel the circumstances aren't right. The same goes for any kind of relationship. We should all be able to determine who we do and don't want in our lives.  When people put up these private blocks, they sneak into our lives without any real consent, and that's what hurts the most.

Free

You lured me to the edge of your world with sweet promises
Of love and kindness
Once I stepped into your heart I realized how cold it truly was
But by then it was too late
You trapped me with your guilt trips and daily verbal thrashing
Until I felt like nothing
I was tied up in a sick love that left me feeling weaker each moment
It meant nothing to you
Because you didn't really care about my love for you, only the control
It was everything to you.
I feared you at times, not really knowing what your next move would be.
I didn't know how to react.
I tried everything to make you happy only to realize nothing would.
Then I tried to escape.
And instantly your heart seemingly melted and your love for me had appeared.
I was your fool
Until that fateful day that ended us, and I was able to break from the reigns.
My heart was finally free.
For a long time my future's view was overshadowed by the past of our relationship
But I'm finally able to see
And it feels good to realize that my future plans can't be held down by your imprisonment
And now I know
That even if you were to come back you would never fit into my world...

Before You Self Destruct...

I look into your eyes...and I see everything that makes you who you are. I see all the pain and anger and in each seemingly blank stare, I know your hidden thoughts. Your actions only reflect a deeply rooted emotion you've been feeling for quite some time. You try to hide it and pawn it off as miniscule, but I know better. You're screaming inside to be someone you might never be. You're itching to do things you might never do because of your own fear of inadequacy. You're yearning for something greater, but you have no idea if "greater" really exists. Because the truth is, we all have our ups and downs. And even in our best moments, we will find something to complain about. But will you ever see that? Will you ever see outside yourself to know that sometimes there is more to life than what you know? Will you ever learn to combat your inner paranoia instead of being combative with everyone around you? I wonder who you'd rather be--the you we all see or the you that's inside waiting for the walls of fear to be taken down. Everyone has their day when it happens and pride is forced to be released. The question is whether yours will come before or after you lose everyone.

Lies in Love.

I could do so many things
To make you love me
More than you ever loved anyone
More than you love yourself.

I could say so many things
To ease your inner pain
To alleviate your deepest fear
of love and emotion
To incite the deepest passion.

I could change so many things
To show you my dedication,
To show you how different I can be from others,
or to show you that I want to
Be the one for you.

But truth be told, you wouldn't do anything.
You'd take me for granted.
You wouldn't say anything.
Only lies and complaints.
You wouldn't change a thing,
Only turn into the very thing you claimed you weren't.

So what can you do when the person you love the most,
Doesn't see it?
What can you do when that person can't see past themselves,
To understand how far you'd go for them?

Nothing.

Girl On Fire

She awakens from her dark dreams to see the sun's light.
Yet she gets up and shuts the drapes.
She goes to wash herself with indifference,
Hoping to discard despised memories she has grown so fond of.
She dries off and dresses in the cloak of a sheep.
It's time to go to work and pretend to be all that she wishes to be.
Smiles, laughter, polite interactions.
But that couldn't be further from her reality.
She has mastered deception,
Even if she can't hide from her self.
Each breath, and each passing moment
Leads her away from truth and closer
To her soul's death.
She acts as though it affects her not,
but there is a fire within her that consumes her innards.
The slash and burn has created discord and chaos
From what once was virtue and innocence.
She looks no different, just as you and I might look.
She is of youth and beauty.
But behind her soulful glare lives a real ugliness.
Nobody knows the paining thoughts that lay in wait.
Nobody notices the demons that hang above her like a storm cloud.
Each day she returns home
She undresses and looks in the mirror, bare skinned.
Who would dare to love her?
She sees a scarified body and sunken in face.
Deteriorating every moment.
She tries to rest, but tears flow from her face like gasoline.
As the day closes and the sun sets
She is brought back to truth in all its simplicity.
Her tears cover her.
A spark-
She bursts into flames.

Dear Mama 2.0

I held your hand as you died.
I remember it like yesterday.
You said you knew it was your time
But that I'd be okay.
I don't know how you could ever think that would be the truth.
Cause every day I've been searchin' for pieces of you.
When I hear a song a memory comes into my head.
Even remember when you used to tuck me into bed.
My best friend, they said that I always shadowed you.
And it's true, I wanted to grow up and be just like you.
As I got older you said you weren't the best role model.
And as your health faded,
I picked up the closest bottle.
A rebel to the end
You told me to change my ways.
But I was young and didn't hear what you was tryna say.
As I look back I feel so foolish,
And sometimes I cry
Because I didn't take advantage
When I had the time.
I would've done so many things
So very differently.
I would've tried to understand you
And your love for me.
The strongest woman, I tried to learn what I could from you.
Because you suffered,
But it never took the good from you.

My father told me that God places people for a reason.
And I know now that this is true,
Even if for a season.
You were my mentor
And you taught me everything I know.
I'm noticing things coming back to me more as I grow.
I tapped into my strength
Just like you always told me to.
And I'm not perfect but I feel there's nothing I can't do.
Finally reaching the beginning of my life.
But I'm hurt to know that physically,
You'll never see my flight.
And I think you knew that I would meet my dad
And experience the life that,
Before we didn't have.
But it was still great even though the hard times.
Cause we had God and each other so we were fine.
A true family
Even though fragmented.
But we shared so many good times
I know I won't forget it.
A piece of me went with you when you went away.
Now I'm only left with pictures and memories every day.
I hope you're proud even though I'm not where I should be.
This is my letter to you Mom.
Sincerely, Me. <3

The Boutique

I was walkin' down Main Street
Lookin' for somewhere to eat
And mmhmm, did I see
Somethin' in that boutique!

You know, the one on that corner near the light?
Yeah, that one. I saw somethin' lookin' right!
You know, animal print, showed off my tattoos, and it was skin tight...

And the best part? It was on sale too!
You know I would've worked it at the club with you.
Cause you of all people know how I used to do.

Started the night off sexed up
Ended up wrecked up.
Heels stumblin' through the streets
Cussin' out the cars that beeped.
Yeah, that was me.
Throwin' bottles back
Until I lost all knowledge on how to act.
Lookin' for someone to take home.
All because I didn't want to feel alone.

Yeah, that was me.
It all seemed like it was so long ago.
And through it all I reaped what I sowed.
When I looked through the windows of that boutique,
For a second, I thought I was who I used to be.