Ah. Life.

It's getting real out here. Life is not a dream, this is a reality to be taken seriously! I look back to a year and a half ago and realize that everything truly has changed, even more than I had originally realized! God is making moves consistently, and it's been a struggle to keep up but I am trying my best. I'm struggling with my own self, trying to get past a lot of my ways that have kept me back. It's hard getting past old hurts and pains, and it gets harder everyday because I realize now more than ever how deeply I am hurting. I just want to get past it so I can move into the place that God has for me. Specifically, I never realized until the last couple of days how deeply it bothers me to be publicly embarrassed. I always hated it, but I didn't realize until today where it stemmed from. After spending years of being a laughing stock, I didn't realize how much I had grown to hate anyone who had done it to me henceforth. And then I realized that I hated myself. I had no confidence then, and I struggle with that even today. I try to think past it and consider God's opinions towards me because I know He loves me, and I know He cares. But sometimes I don't love me or care. Go figure. And here I am, trying to figure my own self out so I can get over it and move forward with life. Now I recognize the problem, but it's still hard to move on. Who would've thought? Got the solution but can't solve the problem. Lol. I guess that's life. Thanks be to God that we have Jesus, who can heal us of our hurts and pains. Thank the Lord for the Holy Spirit, who can help us move forward and get away from fleshly inclinations and start living on the spiritual level. Help me Lord! 

Crisis

In times of crisis I've learned to turn inward
But it's such a struggle to do it
I know it's me. Trust me, I know it's me.
And it's so ugly when I see it, but I can't stop it.
I pushed it down and swallowed it down
Until I thought it was all gone.
But it came back up, regurgitated like an old meal.
It reminds me that it's not so far removed.
It's all right there, ready to make itself known
When a familiar situation comes into play.
I can't blame the enemy, because I know it's my own self.
I'm my own enemy. I'm allowing it to continue.
I have to ask myself if I really want to stop it?
Because it feels so normal to feel this way.
It's all I knew for God knows how long.
He knows this deep dark world within me
Better than I can even realize and see.
Only His spirit in me can conquer this.
Only Him.