Nothing

I am nothing
Yet I am something to God
I am His if I allow
I am something He made
Special and specific
Meant to do something terrific
Yet without Him I'd fail.
Meant to coexist with
His power and love
And grace when I mess up
I am nothing but a sinner
And He knows my heart
Sometimes evil things flow
In every direction I go.
It's me, it's me, it's me, oh Lord!
Your Word is a truth sword
Cutting me to my core
But everytime I want more.
I want to be something to You.
But I need to purge this nothing
And fill it with Your truth.
Your light has shown
Over the darkest parts of me.
No longer can I hide
That which is clearly seen.
It shows that I am less than I claimed
But I am more than I was named
All those years ago
You know I traveleled down that road
And I'm trying to get back
But with each day there's an attack.
The guilt and shame, afraid to utter my name
Feeling worthless every time
Forgetting that Jesus you are mine
And I am Yours. I am justified to go forth
And be a witness to You my Savior
And you have shown me great favor.
So I know I am something
Yet I know I am nothing
Without you.

Squalor

My heart has felt empty, but it's been filled with the wrong things.
I've been searching for something to make my heart sing
Anything anyone to call mine-- a friend, a foe, a lover, a beau
But they never come around and I wonder why.
Then I realize it's something inside.
There is no love in my heart
No song that fills me and brings me to smile.
No thought that makes me want to love so much
That to lose love I would rather die.
No warmth or normalcy, no that hasn't ever been me.
My heart has been a place of squalor that I've lived
So free and generously did I give.
I thought it was love but was it really?
Or was it done with expectations of love returned freely?
Oh, but love is never done, it just is.
And I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea of this.
My heart can't wrap around the emotion.
I don't even love myself at times, figure that notion.
Fearful to say the word hate,  but it's a harsh truth.
It would be rash but I've thought about this longer than a moment or two.
I hate that the love I received wasn't enough
To get me through all of those years of a life of hate.
They hated the love right out of me and I believed in it.
I hated me too and now I have become deceived in it.
I thought God's presence would change my heart
But God said that the hate that I keep would keep us apart.
And I haven't let it go though I try to act like this is so.
I confuse everyone with old faces and it hurts my soul.
And now I feel so alone.
I want a new heart but I can't get past me.
New experiences and a new life but I still don't feel free.
I am trapped in this place of squalor that I've lived
Thinking I'd be liberated when I would falsely give.
Love is not tangible, it just is.
And my heart just hasn't been able to wrap around this.

I admit I used you Lord
Asking for a blessing from You
Because I knew You could
If nobody else.
I admit I misused You Lord.
I should've been seeking Your love
Instead of seeking what You could give
When I was most in need.
I admit I was confused Lord.
I thought I had You figured out
Because I went to church
But I was far from truth.
I admit I don't want to lose You Lord.
My eyes are open and I see
You've always been near me
Waiting for me to notice and hold out my arms.
You gave me that choice.
And I choose You.

You don't know who you are. You think you know but you have no idea. You tell people who you are with ease as if you've known yourself for ages. But when I see you in action I don't see the same person. I think they call that being delusional. You speak with such conviction towards others but I see the real you. You're as confused as ever, looking for approval by all those Yes men that surround you. They only encourage your negative attributes. They don't challenge you. I don't think you could handle a challenge. Deep down, you know the truth but you want to believe everything else because it's more convenient. All of the lies line up with what you've convinced yourself is your personal truth. But you don't even know what you want. You're like a child, wanting everything that everyone has at that moment. But if you had it, what would you even do with it? You talk about the next person, but what about you? What are you going to do? Who are you going to become? Are you going to be the real you or force yourself to fit into what you think you should be? You go back and forth each time, saying you care more about one thing than the other. But the very thing you say you don't care about you fight over. What pain this contradiction must cause you inside! I can see you're at war within, but not only with this...Not only with this.