Nothing

I am nothing
Yet I am something to God
I am His if I allow
I am something He made
Special and specific
Meant to do something terrific
Yet without Him I'd fail.
Meant to coexist with
His power and love
And grace when I mess up
I am nothing but a sinner
And He knows my heart
Sometimes evil things flow
In every direction I go.
It's me, it's me, it's me, oh Lord!
Your Word is a truth sword
Cutting me to my core
But everytime I want more.
I want to be something to You.
But I need to purge this nothing
And fill it with Your truth.
Your light has shown
Over the darkest parts of me.
No longer can I hide
That which is clearly seen.
It shows that I am less than I claimed
But I am more than I was named
All those years ago
You know I traveleled down that road
And I'm trying to get back
But with each day there's an attack.
The guilt and shame, afraid to utter my name
Feeling worthless every time
Forgetting that Jesus you are mine
And I am Yours. I am justified to go forth
And be a witness to You my Savior
And you have shown me great favor.
So I know I am something
Yet I know I am nothing
Without you.

Squalor

My heart has felt empty, but it's been filled with the wrong things.
I've been searching for something to make my heart sing
Anything anyone to call mine-- a friend, a foe, a lover, a beau
But they never come around and I wonder why.
Then I realize it's something inside.
There is no love in my heart
No song that fills me and brings me to smile.
No thought that makes me want to love so much
That to lose love I would rather die.
No warmth or normalcy, no that hasn't ever been me.
My heart has been a place of squalor that I've lived
So free and generously did I give.
I thought it was love but was it really?
Or was it done with expectations of love returned freely?
Oh, but love is never done, it just is.
And I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea of this.
My heart can't wrap around the emotion.
I don't even love myself at times, figure that notion.
Fearful to say the word hate,  but it's a harsh truth.
It would be rash but I've thought about this longer than a moment or two.
I hate that the love I received wasn't enough
To get me through all of those years of a life of hate.
They hated the love right out of me and I believed in it.
I hated me too and now I have become deceived in it.
I thought God's presence would change my heart
But God said that the hate that I keep would keep us apart.
And I haven't let it go though I try to act like this is so.
I confuse everyone with old faces and it hurts my soul.
And now I feel so alone.
I want a new heart but I can't get past me.
New experiences and a new life but I still don't feel free.
I am trapped in this place of squalor that I've lived
Thinking I'd be liberated when I would falsely give.
Love is not tangible, it just is.
And my heart just hasn't been able to wrap around this.

I admit I used you Lord
Asking for a blessing from You
Because I knew You could
If nobody else.
I admit I misused You Lord.
I should've been seeking Your love
Instead of seeking what You could give
When I was most in need.
I admit I was confused Lord.
I thought I had You figured out
Because I went to church
But I was far from truth.
I admit I don't want to lose You Lord.
My eyes are open and I see
You've always been near me
Waiting for me to notice and hold out my arms.
You gave me that choice.
And I choose You.

You don't know who you are. You think you know but you have no idea. You tell people who you are with ease as if you've known yourself for ages. But when I see you in action I don't see the same person. I think they call that being delusional. You speak with such conviction towards others but I see the real you. You're as confused as ever, looking for approval by all those Yes men that surround you. They only encourage your negative attributes. They don't challenge you. I don't think you could handle a challenge. Deep down, you know the truth but you want to believe everything else because it's more convenient. All of the lies line up with what you've convinced yourself is your personal truth. But you don't even know what you want. You're like a child, wanting everything that everyone has at that moment. But if you had it, what would you even do with it? You talk about the next person, but what about you? What are you going to do? Who are you going to become? Are you going to be the real you or force yourself to fit into what you think you should be? You go back and forth each time, saying you care more about one thing than the other. But the very thing you say you don't care about you fight over. What pain this contradiction must cause you inside! I can see you're at war within, but not only with this...Not only with this.

She wanna

She wanna be free
From all the bullshit in her life
She wanna be free
Cause she's tired of tryin when nothin is goin right.
She wanna be free
From all the fake talkin fake actin people in her world.
She wanna be free
So she starts actin like a reckless girl.
She finds herself a man even though it aint nothin.
They ain't together, they just ***in.
But she caught a couple things
That she can't seem to get rid of.
Thought she was in love too, but forget it, she'll just hit the club.
Throwin back shots to toast a non-action life.
She's there every weeknight.
They don't know her name
But they know her face cause she has no shame.
Spanish people call it descara,
En una esquina postiao...
Yeah that's her, got people raisin' they brows
And shakin they heads.
Ladies makin sure she don't end up with their men
And in their beds.
She can't keep a job cause she stay high.
Must be focused on dyin cause she sure ain't livin life.
But she got fooled into thinking this was it.
And now she's so deep in it she don't give a shit.
She wanna be free
But she's tangled up in this web.
She wanna be free
But she got to pay back this debt.
She been livin to die and she's startin to regret what she did.
She wanna start over but it's hard to keep everything hid.
What can she do but stay true in her own eyes.
And it ain't until her last breath that she realize...

How Can We Not See?

How can we not see
That you are the answer?
How can we not feel
This worldly life cancer?
Each day we die
But not like Paul, no.
We die from self infliction
Sin and selfish ambitions.
The world is pulling us
Telling us to believe in ourselves.
And you draw us with love
Showing us the difference from
You and our own created hells.
Can you save us?
Because we can't seem to find the way.
We can't see You
Because we've gone so far astray.
You tell us to knock
And the door will be opened.
But our actions dig us deeper and cause hope's end.
How can we not see?
It's not hard to tell.
We're too busy ignoring Heaven
To get to Hell.

Something In Me

I always thought myself to be strong
Until I met You
I realized how weak I truly am
Emotionally I cannot handle life
But I surely don't want death
I couldn't handle the truth
But you humbled me
Until I could no longer deny it.
Then you began to build me up
Giving me strength from the inside
And it's been keeping me.
Life isn't any easier.
This isn't some fairy tale.
But there's something new inside me
That won't let me quit like so many times before.
There's something in me that keeps me thankful
And mindful of where I came from.
I always thought myself to be strong alone.
But it's only through you that I can do this.
You live in me.

I press.

I press
Past the temporary
Past the moments
Of frustration
Weakness
Anger
Confusion
I press
Beyond my comforts
Beyond the usual
Selfishness
and independence
Because I need God.
I need Him more than ever.
More and more
Do I struggle
With this life
Outside and inward.
And so I press
I press towards the One
Who can save me
And love me,
Giving me eternal life.
And that means more
Than everything I press past!



Phillipians 3:8-14

⁸ More than that, I count all things to be loss ^[a]in view of the surpassing value of ^[b]knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, ^[c]for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, ⁹ and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, ¹⁰ that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and ^[d]the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; ^11 [e]in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

 ¹² Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on ^[f]so that I may lay hold of that^[g]for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. ¹³ Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I keep doing the very thing I hate.
What is this in me that wants to debate?
I try to start over each day
But it seems I get caught up in my usual way.
I try so hard to live by the rules
But in the end I look like a fool.
I toss about and wrestle with doubt
And wonder if God can really carry me out.
He told me to stop letting the rules rule me
And not to let the enemy fool me
His grace will cover me in times of peril
And give me strength when I wouldn't dare to.
The guilt and shame is all about self
And once that's gone and there's nothing else
God can help and change some hearts
But you have to realize the battle's been won from the start.

All I Did

All I did was call out to Him.
A simple prayer.
A heartfelt prayer.
At the end of my rope.
What else could I do?
It was all up to Him.
I gave Him the control.
I couldn't decide another thing.
I clearly wasn't able.
But God was and is able.
All I did was lift up my hands.
Tired from constant toiling.
Tired from not bearing fruit.
He knew my story.
Better than anyone.
Who else but Him?
Nobody.
All I did was believe.
That He is the great I am.
That He can do what He says He can do.
And He did just that.
All I did was listen.
He told me who I was.
He told me who I was going to be.
But I had to pay attention.
Or I would miss it.
All I did was watch.
And He showed me my path.
He showed me what could happen
If I didn't follow him.
If I forgot about Him.
But I couldn't forget all He did.
All He did was love me.
All He did was save me.
All he did was bless me.
All He did was cover me.
And it means EVERYTHING to me.

A Lonely Place

Lord I need Your comfort

In this moment.

I'm in a lonely place

It seems I am forgotten,

And each way I turn

There is no one.

Lord I need Your attention.

It seems people are too busy

To care about little ole' me.

Lord I need Your time.

Everyone's got their own thing

And I've got mine.

Lord I need your advice.

There's no one else to go to 

But you.

And so I'm in a lonely place.

Friends

I'm not particularly fond of friendships anymore, but I focus on my friendship with God. Though it hurts a little to know that I never really have a friend to see about me, I guess it doesn't matter. People will be people and will almost always disappoint. God never does.

Self Acceptance

As I look into the mirror, slowly gazing over the planes of my face, I see little imperfection. I see little blemish to lay claim to. My eyes are brown and filled with stories to tell about a life of sorrow and utter joy. My nose is a combination of both of my parents, reminding me of where I came from. Both were revolutionary in their own right. My lips are full and soft, and from them comes a voice that speaks lightly and harshly in just the right moments. My skin is a deep tone and soft to the touch. My pride runs as deep as the features that have been passed down through my family for years. I am filled with the pains of the past and the joys of my present. I am bursting with excitement and hope for the future. My hands are strong and ready to fight for my place. My mind is focused on God because I know where He drew me from. And despite what society tells me, I know I am absolutely beautiful. I am a Black woman and I am here to stay!

Depth

From the depths you speak
On life and death.
Expelling with care
Each word and each breath.
You've put careful thought
Into every syllable
Silent moments are minimal.
You've waited for this moment
To share this special something.
And at the end I realize...
You said absolutely nothing...

WOW REALLY?! Lol.

The Last Days

My prayer is that my friends that I was close to, or at least cool with, realize the truth about this life. Life is more than what we can see and understand. Many questions will not be answered. Many want to know their purpose. Are you one of them? I know I have always been that type of person who yearned to know what my destiny was. And I'm finally on the path to finding out. I would have never found it doing what I was doing. And I realize now that gaining a relationship with Christ is what has filled me with peace of mind and contentment. Money will always come and go. So why rely on it? Friends come and go. Relationships come and go. So why look to people to bring joy to your life? Moments of excitement come and go. So why live only to stimulate your senses and your urges? I believe we are approaching end times, but I don't think tonight at 6pm is our last moment. I think God is sending us signs. As tragic as many of these signs are, I think it's an opportunity to rely on God for guidance. I think this is the perfect time to build a relationship if you don't have one with Him. I believe this is the right time to allow Christ to live in you. This is not the time to get it poppin' and continue to live how you want to live. Do you really think you are on this Earth to simply do what it is you want to do? God has greater plans for each and every one of us, if we only allow Him to work and do what He does best! Do you think we are only here to indulge in our innermost desires just because the opportunity presents itself? Since I left my old life and accepted Christ, I've asked myself many questions in hopes of figuring out why I was the way I was. It is only when I asked God to reveal my weaknesses and faults that I began to truly see. I was on my way to hell and I didn't even realize it. It started off small when I started going to the club and eventually I got into a few things that were just plain ole' wrong. But sin loves more sin. And I certainly had to step back and look at what I had become. Maybe some want to measure the level of sin, but sin is equal in His eyes. And it's just time to put aside the excuses and get right! My brother said it best, "You either want to live for Christ, or you don't." Some will be mad at reading this, but it's the truth. God isn't looking for sometime-y people. He's looking for dedicated children to do His work. Just like people dedicate themselves to dedicate themselves to hitting the club every weekend without fail, that's how you could be using your time for God! Trust me, I know what it is because I came from that life, and I realized that you either have to go all the way or not at all! This salvation thing is nothing to play with and it makes me sad to see people make a joke out of it! These really are the end days because people have no fear of God anymore! SMH.

Feet To Faith

I know there is a journey I need to embark on, but for so long I have been fearful of that path. It has been so hard for me to envision anything, quite honestly. There are many things I'm skilled at. There are many things I'm passionate about, all of which I do not necessarily have skill for. There are many things I can see myself doing. However, I don't know what it is I'm meant to do. And that's a scary thought. I mean, it's so hard to walk a path to which you don't know the destination! We all walk those paths but to walk one that is so different from what you thought you'd be doing is even harder to do! And so, I admittedly haven't been stepping out of my comfort zone too much. I can only take so much before I break down. But lately something has sparked within me. I looked down the road and the image of the destination wasn't clear to me. However, something looked promising this time. Even though I'm not sure of the peaks and valleys, I feel something that reassures me. I feel something that says, "Go ahead, Kendra. Take a chance." And so I am. This is about trusting God. I'm not talking about it too much lately, I'm just trying to do it and live through it. But I know that whatever the results, I'd rather trust God and see where He will bring me than to sit idly and never accomplish a thing!

Author Unknown...but this is awesome!!

The Greatest man in History, Jesus, had no servants, yet they called Him Master, had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher, had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer, had no army, yet kings feared Him, won no military battles, yet He conquered the world, committed no crime, yet they crucified Him...He was buried in a tomb, yet He ...lives today... Remember the reason for the Season

Life Lessons Revisited

I used to write these blog posts about the different lessons I learned over time. I randomly found them and read them over tonight and it hit me: Many of the views I had were so twisted in that moment that I couldn't even see what was really see what was going on in my life. I truly had no clarity. Anyway...here are some of the former ideas I had about life versus what I feel now!


1. "-People will only do what you allow them to do...If you allow someone to disrespect you, they will not stop! Recognize the signs and know when to hold your position!"...I learned that this is truly easier said than done. It's easier to say that you're going to cut off someone you care about until you realize the history and the fact that you are concerned for that person. I also learned that some people will mistreat others no matter what they do or how they react. That lack of respect is just IN them and there's nothing you can do. What I'm trying to say is that there are just some people you stay away from!!!


2. "-People are going to think what they want about you. Get over it! NO point in explaining yourself because they already know how they feel about you. It's done. Finito. Lol."  This is true, but to a point. People normally figure out what they feel about a person within moments of meeting him or her. However, if someone automatically thinks negatively about you, there's no reason why you should play into it. I'm not necessarily saying you have to break it down to them and explain every good thing about you, but allow them to see you for who you really are. Hopefully that will contradict what they originally thought. If not, then you can move on knowing that you at least tried! 


3. "-You can try to make something work if you want it bad enough, but sometimes it's better to cut your losses and realize that what you want isn't always what you need and therefore it's not worth the trouble! (True Story!)"...I'm pretty sure I wrote this in reference to my past relationship. That opinion has definitely changed. In reference to relationships, I changed what I want and what I'm willing to work for. Before I wanted everything that was bad for me, now I look for the good (and you know I'll work for that)! And as far as guys, that's not even of interest to me right now. It's all about school and building my relationship with God. I'm no longer searching. He can find me when God says the time is right! In other words, I don't have to work for a man to be there for me. :-)


4. "-Life's relationships are full of revolving doors. When one person exits, another one enters to take their place! Still not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing yet...lol. It just is what it is though!'...I learned that this is neither good nor bad. It's just how things work! Some people are there for you to help and others might be there to show you things about yourself you never realized. Others support, others leech. Whatever the case may be, you should always take something away from your interactions! If you keep meeting the same type of person, maybe you missed the lesson the first time! Either way, you're going to keep encountering that person until you learn your lesson! I know I learned mine! 


5. "People are quick to give blame instead of looking at their own faults. We've all done it. Don't make it a habit though!" ...Man, this is so true! Too bad when I wrote it I was full of those very excuses I talked about! It was all my fault. Maybe some unfortunate events did happen. And maybe some people did make it harder for me but at the end of the day, it was all about how I reacted. After all, it is my life! 


6.  "Happiness is what you make of it...don't expect a person, place, or thing to make you happy. It starts from within. Everything else is just icing on the cake!"...So true! And I always wanted to be that way but I find myself truly living it only as of recent. I'm alone with no friends but I have a strength in me that I never knew existed. I always relied on the thought that I had friends around to be there when I was down and it was more of a distraction than being truly happy. Once my environment changed and I didn't really have anyone I began to reconnect with God and then me! I had to address the real problems and stop hiding behind everything!


7."It's not about lowering your expectations, it's about opening your mind to the different possibilities. Sometimes what you think you want isn't the best thing for you!"...When you lower your expectations you get fecal matter. Lol. When you open your mind you learn new and exciting things. Too bad most people settle! It's just a reality!


8. "Just because everyone tells you you're wrong doesn't mean you aren't completely valid!" ...I learned that it depends on who you're surrounded by. If you're around a bunch of people who truly know a thing or two and can counsel you, be open to what they have to say. If everyone's telling you that you act triflin' then it's probably true!! Lol. Just sayin...

Vocabulary assault

I wrote this about a compilation of people I've come into contact with over the years. I always have at least one person a year who annoys the hell out of me, as bad as that sounds (Sorry!) And it's usually because they just have a stinky attitude (for lack of a better adjective). I usually like to be there for people. I pride myself on being able to see good in people even when things are not right. After all, nobody is perfect. But when you try to be nice to certain people and they're just...IGNORANT, it's hard to get through to them. And for that matter, nobody else can get through to them either!...This is my rant. Lol.



I thought I was understanding
Until I realized I couldn't stand you.
I couldn't specifically reason why,
But I think it was your treason.
You live a lie and try to hide openly,
Broken but you try to look put together.
I tried to support you in spirit,
But didn't want to be a feather in your flock.
Admittedly judgmental
Towards your lack of judgment.
When I hate on you it hits the spot.
I don't hate from envy,
As I only hate what you embody.
You are everything that's wrong with this world...
Only focused on being the flyest girl.
Beautiful in all actuality
But you do to much to appeal visually.
Your lack of respect is obvious
And your attitude is probably just...
Temperamental.
I tried to visualize the path you walked
But when you talk it negates my compassion.
What is this that has happened?
Am I justified in detaching myself,
Or should I love everyone with all of me that is left?
I make daily attempts to see past people's flaws
As I know I have made many faux pas.
But it seems that some I just can't forgive

I sing a silent song
That most don't know the words to.
Some have tried to sing along
But can't seem to stay in tune.
I changed some lyrics
And the key that the instruments play.
But you can still see
The dried tears on the score's page.

Visions

"Vision is produced by man while revalation is given by God." I believe this because how many times have YOU or I honestly sat there and created what we wanted to become? We could envision it in our minds. We just knew that because we wanted to be this certain thing...we could see it happening in order to become it. I grew up knowing what I wanted to be. I daydreamed during class and dreamed of it at night while I slept. I always wanted to help people. I always wanted to do good by helping those less fortunate. Even though it was good, was it what God wanted? All these questions and realizations have been coming into view with each lesson that God throws at me to catch. Before this, my good intentions always got me in a rut. Why? Because I wanted to help people but ended up getting caught up myself. I did wrong in order to do right, which doesn't make any sense when I think back on it. However,this is not unlike many others who have been in the same situation...dreaming of who they want to be in the future. When their future becomes their present, they find that their vision changes into something similar but nonetheless different. They do what "they have to do". But is it what God wants for them? What I learned yesterday at bible study is that even though you have a vision to do good, it is not really from God. God never gives you a vision as a leader without giving you the tools or the strength to follow through to become what He has predestined you to be. Things have changed a lot for me. Where I once was a dreamer, a visionary... I now find myself looking to God for what He envisions me to be. And whether or not I want to be that is a different thing in itself. For I avowed myself to Him to do what He will. And so He shall.

Mirror image?

I been tryin' to do me.
But when I look in the mirror
It ain't me I see.
You see, individually,
I was just like he and she.
Simple minded
Myself, I couldn't find it.
So I went to the store to buy it.
Copped that and copped out!
Had to wonder what I was really about.
Had to grab the bullshit by the horns
Cause it was takin' ova like a storm.
Tearin' up what was never built up
Had me stressed out as f___
Cussing in His name and yours.
I couldn't cut you foreal but my words were swords.
Daggers for eyes with a sharp tongue
Never on the brightside so solemn songs were sung.
Always a story, an excuse, a reason
For my failures when it was my fault
That I wasn't ever in season.
Bleeding from self inflicted wounds
All because I lived out of His tune...
All because I thought I had to be brand new.
All because I thought life was a game
But I was wrong, so I would always lose.
Bruised but never broken,
I allowed Him in and His word was spoken.
His love had me open
Like that honeymoon phase
Had me in a daze for days...
Months even. Now I find myself seekin'.
Not for myself. Not for latest.
But for the greatest. For Him.
He's better than all of them
Including me. I had to be cra-zy
Out my right mind, to think I could find
The solution in this funny house mirror
Called my life.

Exodus 13:17-22...Never thought about it that way. God is trying to take us the long way home! Though with this route we oftentimes have to resist what it is WE want to do, know that it is worth way more than the satisfaction from any temporary temptation. Shortcuts are often filled with unexpected setbacks and problems. And since we don't want to deal with those, we often give up and return to what we know, using the "at least I tried" philosophy. But did you really try? I've learned that real "trying" is about persevering despite all the trials and tribulations that the enemy throws at you. Real "trying" involves relying on God to get you through it when you know you couldn't even imagine doing it on your own! God wants us to grow closer to Him, and like any relationship we have to work at it. That takes time. If the route is too short, you won't appreciate Him as much. Taking the long way home can only strengthen your bond with God. As I grow in this journey I am amazed at the things I learn each day! I praise Him for leading me. I don't ever want to go back to Egypt! :-)

The Truth About It

I leave the bones in the grave,

As not to disturb the dead.

The past has been so for some time,

And I'm finally at a point of rest.

Though I think about it once in a while

And come to a moment of unease,

I push beyond the hurt and pain,

And lay my head on the pillow of relief.

Spiritual Space Travel

Take my hand and guide me

Through a world that I can't see

Fly me in first class on a cloud

To Your spiritual stratosphere.

As I whiz by I brush up against a star

And feel a powerful wind whip

Through my hair and face.

I feel out of this world,

And I feel Your infinite power and love.

Your spirit guides 

Each swirl of color

And each harmonious sound.

Everything is under Your control.

And even though I cannot see You,

Lord I feel Your presence here! 

:-)

A woman's sacrifice.

You entered my mind
And with each lie
My heart began to change.

You entered my body
And with each thrust
A piece of my spirit exited.

You entered my soul
And as I let you take over,
I lost...Me.

I have become vacant,
As I have given you all of me.
You refused to return to me
What was mine.

What I have from you
I cannot use.
I realize that what I had
Was worth way more.

Untitled.

A quick word: I wrote this because I started thinking about how so much of our society tells us that God doesn't exist anymore. We rely on our own abilities to make money and survive without ever looking to God for help. This is not to mention the fact that we barely give Him praise, unless He does something to bless us. We have forgotten His infinite power and practically mock Him on a daily basis. We curse in His name, make fun of those who try to spread His word, deny His existence...but at the end of our lives, surely we will call on Him! But the question is, will He answer you? Will He answer me?


Our modernity has learned to speak back to us.
And it says that we don't need You, Lord.
It says that we got here without You.
And maybe it's true in a way,
Because Your hand is not seen
In most of what is created by man.
Weapons to kill.
Jails to punish.
Scholars to judge.
The mob to riot.
We have turned into monsters,
Devouring our young and showcasing the carcass
To scare off any that may try to change things.
Some of us even hide our fangs in the light of day,
So that we may appear to be "good"
Even though only You are truly good.
You see all that is within us
From the beauty to the rot of evil.
Although You remain, it's almost as though You are absent,
Waiting to see when Your children will make a change
And believe in You again.
Because believing in what is of this earth is without reason.
For what is of this earth shall remain on Earth,
While what cannot be seen is what will be judged.
Lord show us all the road back to You
And salvation.

Fear (Part 2)

It used to be fear that stopped me.
But it is now fear that drives me.
Yet, it is a different kind of fear.
I fear You.
The more You grow in me,
The more I recognize Your power,
To change, subdue, increase, and destroy.
You strike fear within my very being.
I don't fear calling Your name,
Yet I fear the idea of You answering back.
You are so real yet I never saw You,
Only Your works.
You are so real yet I never heard You,
Only Your word.
You are so real yet I never felt You,
Only Your spirit.
And I stand afraid of all these things,
Because I know the truth.
Yet it is that profound truth
That draws me closer.
I yearn for Your truth and power within me,
Because through You and only You
Is anything possible.

Seeds.

You planted seeds in me from long ago...
And ever since these thorns have been trying
Trying to kill off what you wanted to grow.

I know.

I know You changed the world by Your presence.

I know You changed the world with Your death.

I know You change the world while they laugh.

And You'll have changed the world after they wept.

Lord I know You changed the world because You changed my heart,

A mere piece of the Earth.

Dust and particles centered around a soul.

Lord You are the one who makes me whole.

You are the only one in control.

And while others may walk about blinded by their grief,

I stand here knowing, strong in my belief.

Why can't they see past the fog of selfishness?

Why can't they hear You calling their names?

Lord why do they grab for what they cannot take with them?

Why don't they understand that every day is not the same?

But then I realize, there was a time when I did not know...

Let.

Let them laugh when I cry.
Let them shout when I stand silenced.
Let them fight while I am at peace.
Let them be merry whilst I lay in misery.
Let them ignore me when I need attention.
Let them all do what they must.
Let them mistreat me when I am just.
Let them boast while I struggle.
Let them jump when I am paralyzed.
Let them hate me when I love.
Let them stand tall when I have fallen.
Let them throw salt on my wounds.
Let them all leave me in their dust.
Let them all be friends when I need only ONE to trust.

Closer

Your power overtakes me.
Your wisdom penetrates
The most stubborn parts of me.
Yet you are gentle.
Your love caresses me
In moments of peril.
Your grace reassures me
Even through my own faults.
And so I awoke with You
In mind and in heart,
Wanting only to be close.
Your presence leaves me
Enamored and empowered
To live only for You.
Your light brings notice
To my blemishes,
And so I strive to be cleansed.
As time passes You wash away
The spots of tarnish
And You heal the decay.
You are my food.
You are my drink.
You are my medicine.
I just want to be closer to You.

Unwelcomed

I swept my house clean.

I took your things 

And threw them out,

Because I really don't care about them anyway.

I cleaned my windows,

The ones I couldn't see out of.

Now the sun shines through my curtains.

I aired out your sickly sweet stench.

Now it smells like moments after the rain.

Refreshing.

I changed the furniture around,

It doesn't look like anything you ever thought of.

I got a new lock and security system,

So you can't get in even if you wanted to.

I doubt you'd figure out the code anyway...

I saw you on my porch

Waiting for me to let you back in.

Well you're no longer welcomed here.

Tornadoes.

They say we simply live to die.
Like a forceful wind we come through the town
Taking up a piece of everything in our paths.
We carry both treasures and trash
And at the end we settle, as the dust
That remains from the storms we've created.

A Message For "Past"

I tried to run from you
Many times before.
You keep coming back
Like a reopened sore.
My mind tells me you don't exist,
But my heart feels pain when I try to resist.
We seem to be attached at the hip.
What is this?
I hate that I can't get away!
I thought I faced you on that day.
I thought I said all I had to say.
I'm tired of your maneuvering
Planting ideas in my mind while I dream.
It would seem that you'd like to reap havoc.
Well I cannot and will not have it!
I made it a point to leave you
Where you last destroyed me.
Don't make the mistake of thinking
This will continue to be...
I'll fight you forever
If that's what it takes.
The old me has died
And so my past I must abate...

Failure

Failure is not an option when it comes to God. I don't want to be one of those people who start off on fire for Him and end up back in the world. That's not what I want. I don't want to go back out there knowing what I know now. I don't want to go back after truly realizing who I was and what I had become. It's hard to live this life walking with Christ. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my entire life. But then again, it wasn't just about action. It was in my heart to change. My spirit is where that desire to be new in Him was born. I couldn't have done this on my own. I would have failed, like I always did. Let's look at that idea.

When you fail, most times it's because it's not in your heart. It's about YOU controlling the outcome. And the reality of life is that none of us control anything. We like to think that we do, but it's all about God. He is the only one that can determine what happens. We like to throw these labels on ourselves and wear them as a badge of honor by saying we're independent, intelligent, hard-working...Why?...When despite all of our "efforts" we can still end up in the worst of the worst situations? And yet, we continue to live without giving respect and praise to the only One who is in control. Oh, sure we say "Thank God I'm alive" or "Thank God for waking me up this morning" but then we go right back out into the world and keep doing what WE want to do! I finally see that after all these years of doing the same thing and not being successful, I understand the reason is that I never put Him first in all of this. I had my own plans, my own motives. And all of them were about pleasing myself. I didn't really care about anyone else, or God even. He must've been disappointed in me...I know I would've been.

Failure is powerful. At the end of it, failure can leave you feeling worthless. And when you feel worthless you don't step out. You are ashamed. You might feel guilty because you did something you knew was wrong. You might be angry at yourself. You might feel all of the above. Whatever the outcome, the worst one is when you don't learn from it. It's the worst when you fail and go right back into doing what just caused you to fail! I did that a lot of times, but I couldn't see where I was going wrong. I thought I had the reason, but it was my whole lifestyle that was the main problem. It's funny how we as humans try to problem solve. And many times we miss the bigger picture. We think we've got it figured out, but we fail to see and understand the interconnected workings of our lives. We fail to know our true selves.

But I think the first step in getting out of the habit of failing is recognizing the failure and knowing that you can't do it alone. Without Him, our efforts go unnoticed and don't amount to anything. You think coincidence really exists?! Ha. I dare you to find an instance where God wasn't on the job! Even through all my mess I can look back and see that God was protecting me. There are times when I could've easily died....that time I blacked out. That time I got in the car and we were drunk driving to CT on a highway covered in slush and black ice? I've done some straight up FOOLISH things and I look back and thank God for watching over me. That's not a coincidence that I made it out alive. It's not a coincidence that right as my mom was in her last years of life, my relationship with my father grew. It's not a coincidence that I'm rebuilding my relationship with God after all these years. And I'm a nobody in this world. I know that, but if He can save me from myself, why can't He save you?

Remember, failure is not an option! We were created to be more than what we limit ourselves to!

The Thirst

I took a few steps to get to You,
Hoping you would notice me
And take over from there.
I knew You would come for me
If I began to seek You out.
My heart was on fire for something more,
Something I knew deep down
That only You could provide.
But the fires died down
As time passed on...
And I wonder today
If I truly thirst for You
The way You do for me.
Each day You give me chances
When I might be quick
To retract my outstretched arms.
Each day You love me
Even when I hold onto my deeply rooted hatred.
Each day you carry me
When I have clearly given up.
You thirst for everything within me
But I seem to only thirst for the positive things
That come with loving You.
And so I wonder
Do I truly thirst for You?
I haven't forgotten You.
I desire to know You
And I desire Your presence in my life.
I don't want You to just fit in.
I want You to take over my life
Until there is only You.
I often wonder what is blocking You from me.
I know it's my own fault.
I know my mind and heart have guards
That I sometimes can't even break down.
And so I need You to break me.
I broke myself but it wasn't enough.
And so I need You to break me,
Until all I thirst for is You.

Untitled 2

With open arms I invite you
To join in this truth.
This truth you have hidden from view.
Secrets fill your life
And your eyes tell tales
That your lips contradict.
Your ears can't keep up
And you become confused.
I watch you convince yourself
Of the facade you've created.
Is it done to appease others,
Or does it please you?
Is your heart open enough
To receive this reality?
Is your spirit burning for Him?
Or have you let your desires
Stomp out His flame within?
When will the light break through
The darkness of your manifested shadow?
Break from this darkness
And step into the warming sun
Embrace the truth of you.
And with it
Comes a passion that is not contrived.

Dead Memories

While the world moves on,
I often find myself stuck in a moment
Thinking of you.
That early morning in July
I lost you.
And my world forever changed.
I find it amazing how life moves on,
Yet you could not.
What does it mean?
Where does life lie?
Because a part of me went with you that day.
How could they lie to me?
How could they say those memories would be sweet?
How could memories hold me until we meet?
I know God had a purpose for you
And for me.
I'm still trying to figure it all out.
I trust Him, but I still miss you.
I believe in Him, but I still miss you.
I follow Him, but I still miss you.
And as I move forward
I struggle to keep you alive in ME,
And in my mind
And in my soul.
I am a part of you and you of me.
So how is it that I remain
Along with your name?
I wonder.
I thought I died when you left this world.
The pain was surreal.
It hurt so bad I couldn't feel.
All that you taught me, left me.
All left until there was only a void
That filled up with anger and resentment.
I said and did bad things.
I remembered you wrong.
And now I'm here trying to remember the truth of you.
Who were you?
I remember bits and pieces.
But these things never made you.

I try to keep you in my grasp,

With memories.

With songs.

With pictures.

But none of it lasts,

Just like your life.

With your life these memories truly lived.

And now I'm stuck with scattered artifacts,

Old and dusty with a story.

But the story is just that,

Glorified and made for entertainment.

There is no soul in this tall tale.

With it, I can't see your smile.

Hear your soft spoken voice

Remember your hugs or feel your fingers through my hair.

It's all in the distance somewhere.

I reach daily, but I struggle to grasp you.

I desperately miss you in moments when I need you most.

I just try to remember that one day we'll be reunited

And it'll be better than any story that could've ever been told...

That Girl

I wrote this after thinking about my own life & what people probably thought about everytime I said I was going to change...Lol. Well, I did change this time, & I'm proud to have made it this far. The journey isn't over, but even getting this far makes me want to share my story and help others realize the truth about this life that we so often mistake as a game when it's not to be taken lightly. Do you want to change? And if so, why haven't you done it? Is there something holding you back? Evaluate whether or not this obstacle is real or just made up in your mind to use as an excuse NOT to change. And are you changing because it's in your heart to do so, or are you doing it just for appearances? Ahh, questions to consider!


I swear I know you from somewhere...
You were that girl I used to see...
Yeah, it was you!
That girl you thought everyone wanted to be!

The one who walked on and talked over,
The party girl who was never sober.
Yeah, that was you, wasn't it?
And now you're alone with not a single bare shoulder.

Yeah, I know it was you.
And look at you now.
I wonder if you're at the point
Where you're questioning "How?"

I wonder if you really want to change?
Or do you just want your life
To appear to be rearranged?
I guess on the outside it's all the same...right?

The Darkness In Me

I let you carry me on your wave,
When I didn't even know how to swim.
Foolishly I thought I was safe.
You brought me to stormy waters.
You cast me from your boat
With no life preserver.
You tricked me with promises
Of my hearts deepest desires.
But when I got far enough out to sea
I realized that no happiness dwelled there.
Only cold dampness
That was sure to kill any life within me.
Once alone and drifting,
Not knowing if I'd make it,
I called for a savior, anybody really.
But nobody came,
Only a spirit.
It was Him.
Only a spirit,
Yet He began to work on me,
Touching places that I did not see, hear, or even feel.
Showing me how dark my desires truly were,
Sinful even.
Showing me how my own iniquity
Brought me out to the middle of nowhere
Where there was no refuge
Where you planned to destroy me.
I looked into your face
Yet I did not see your true intent.
How foolish of me
To fall into the trap that you laid
Based upon my own flaws!
I suppose I didn't know myself.
I suppose I wasn't strong enough.
I suppose I wasn't wise enough.
And it's all true.
Only He could have saved me from this disaster
Called myself.

Sheep in a Jeep (Part 2)

Let's continue that conversation...

As a marketing tool, do you realize that in no way, shape, or form do you benefit? In fact, you have become a live robot and they all know what buttons to push to make you work. As young people we are constantly bombarded with images and sounds that penetrate the depths of our minds and change our opinions without us even catching on. All they have to do is convince us that it either looks good or sounds good and that it's going to improve our standing with others and we're "in there like sin."

And, indeed, it is a sin. It's crazy that it took me this long to realize what kind of mess I was caught up in. For years I was stuck in this "party life". I don't think I ever really partied for any particular reason. In fact, I had no business being out there. I was, by all definitions, a screw up. I graduated from high school but I kept dropping out or getting kicked out of college. Why? Because I couldn't get myself to focus on the future hard enough to understand that what I was partaking in was a temporary pleasure that would only take me further away from positivity. Why do I say that? Well, for one, being in that scene is all about "the moment." It's not about the past or the future. It's just about...a moment. And when it's all said and done, I look back and all I see are...moments.  I don't have any period of time where there was consistency or longevity. Just moments. How could I expect anything good to happen within...a moment?! Real change takes time. It certainly takes longer than the time it used to take me to get trashed! Yet, the world tells us that it's okay to only focus on moments. The world tells us it's okay to "live in the moment" and act on instinct. When did acting on your unfocused instinct ever land you in a positive situation?

This lifestyle that the world accepts and promotes is all about them making a dollar off of you. And by "them", I mean business owners of multi-million dollar companies that don't give a damn about your welfare and happiness. They make up the definition of happiness and sell it to you in a bottle of Ciroc or whatever new and hot drink Fabolous, Luda, or Weezy shouts out! I'm not judging because, like I said, I did it. I've been there and done that. But the further I move from that old life, my eyes are opened to the ways of this world that are truly disheartening. At times I get really angry and upset about how this world has tainted so many things and taken away our ability to be unique. There's so many things that block us but we can't see because we're walking through the thick of the fog!

And at the end of that fog, will we be happy with who we see? Do you think God would be pleased knowing that we got caught up in other people's definition of what it means to be happy and accepted? Probably not. My stepmom always says, "God is not the author of confusion." And I truly believe that the enemy has blinded many of us at one time or another because we live in a world where there are too many options to please yourself. You can go to this club, or that club. You can get drunk off this or that. You can sleep with this person or that person. "Pick your poison," they say. And it will all kill you, yet we have all used these killers to please ourselves...

My question is, who decided these things were okay? And when did everyone start to follow suit?

Sheep in a Jeep.

I haven't gone "off" like this in some time, but I feel compelled to say something more...something deeper than what is being said nowadays. Nowadays, everyone wants to be heard. Sometimes, however, they're not really saying anything. It just SOUNDS GOOD. I want my words to effect change in a positive way. I want people to read this and wake up as I have awaken to the person I became and eventually turned away from. This world has truly changed for the worst, and I don't know IF it can return. However, I hope one day we can get back to a place where people have basic respect for others and themselves! And more importantly, I pray that we all get back to KNOWLEDGE OF SELF.

Let's talk about that concept. When you know where you're coming from, you know where you're going. When you don't know who you are, you go through means to discover yourself. And many times, in my opinion, that becomes a bad thing. It's like trial and error..."Gee, wonder if this'll work!" Lol. I've learned that nothing in this world can help you discover who you are as a person, yet almost everyone I've met uses material to define themselves. I'm noticing that more and more. I admit I did it too. But that is not truth. That's not realistic. These "things" aren't eternal. They are trends. Trends come and go. So when something comes and goes, how can you use it to define yourself? You'll surely come and go as well! But I guess that's what we call "Keeping up with the times". And in keeping up with the times, we've become a world full of people who believe whatever the news tells us, wear whatever they say is the latest and greatest, speak whatever lingo is popular based off the newest song, and drink the most popular alcohol shouted out in a song. Who are you? Are you your own person, or have you become a marketing tool? "Put a pin in it, we'll come back to that."

Got soul?

From soul to soul
You slash and burn
Taking what you need
And destroying the rest.
You feed your hunger
And throw out what's left.
You tried to kill me
And couldn't.
Now it's someone different.
You shouldn't.
What is this desire in you
That causes you to take?
What is this desire in you
That causes you to break
Whatever is near
And whatever is closest
To you?
From soul to soul
You grab ahold.
You don't want to let go
Because yours is so cold.
The warmth of it soothes you
And the life of it moves you.
But when there is none left
To keep you,
You are through.

Prophesied

I asked for a sign
Even though I saw Your work.
I tried looking deeper
Though I couldn't even see the surface.
I asked for a sign
And you sent someone with a message.
I tried to read into it
Though it was more than literal.
I couldn't hear you speak to me
And I still can't.
But I know I see you everywhere
In my life
In this world.
I see Your clarity where others stand blinded.
I see Your presence where others stand alone.
I see Your mercy when others stand at the end of their rope.
Lord I see You
Full of grace
The sign you give to us all
Is love.
So why did I not see?
Why did I not hear You?
Why do we ask for miracles
And acts that will amaze us
When you show us each day?
We expect life.
We demand happiness.
All with little to no praise.
All with no trust in Your promise.
We seek our own dreams
Instead of seeking to live out Your plan.
Maybe it is that I cannot hear You
Because there is too much of me...
Lord take it away and live through me.
So I can be in tune with Your word
Visually.
Audibly.
With all of me.

God's Love

Sometimes I wish I had a somebody
Until I realize there's nobody
That can supply my emotional needs like God.
Nobody that can fill me with peace.
Nobody that can save me from myself.
He takes me to places I've never been,
Even if I don't have the means.
He makes a way even through the murkiest waters
When I alone would find myself adrift.
He knows me better than anyone.
He knows my heart when I make a mistake.
He knows my mind when something is said wrong.
He knows my future when I alone am doubtful.
I trust in Him because He's already carried me far
And I look back and see His faithfulness.
Then I realize I haven't been as faithful as He.
How could He love me after I've gone astray so many times?
How could He have given up His only son for someone like me?
I'm a nobody compared to His awesome power.
And yet, He has a specific purpose for me!
Now, that's love.

Interested...

You interest me.
The way you glide in a room,
Standing tall yet humble,
The way you speak to me
Almost in a mumble.
Confident yet your head is down.
You smile yet there's a slight frown.
You interest me.
At first glance one might say they knew you,
Yet you defied the life you went through.
Possessing a talent one might not expect
I wonder why we haven't formally met.
I see you all the time and I become shy.
Like a child I can't seem to look you in the eye.
You interest me...

The Dream

The dream was inescapable
I couldn't seem to ignore it
Wherever I went in life
It seemed to follow behind
Haunting my thoughts
Appearing in moments of failure.
It was an idea of grandeur.

Could it simply be an illusion?
Maybe. But it was mine.
I wore it like the finest linen
In the summertime.
It was mine and I used it.
I wiped my tears away
With the cloth of possibility.
To me it was and is tangible.

So I decided to chase after it.
All the struggles that my dream endured
Seemed to turn into my misfortune.
It told me I was going to capture it...
Not that easily.
And so I followed it's every move,
Every twist and turn.
Until one day, it turned around.

And here I am.
I find myself face to face with my dream.
I feel its breath upon my face
Anticipating my next move.
What shall I do?
For so long I ran away in fear.
But there is no longer anxiety,
Just excitement.
I'm ready.

I mastered you
But you can't tell it yet
I know your secrets
Even the ones you haven't dispelled.
I see the pain behind the shrewd antics.
And though your scent be sweet
I can tell you've become rancid.
Your lies tell a greater truth
To who you are but they don't listen.
The worry in your face
Is masked by rouged cheeks
And painted lids so they can't see.
But I spotted your essence
Before you even knew me...

Cause & Effect

You speak boldly into lives
With no real love in your heart.
You don't think they see that?
You don't think they hear that?
Your hate leaves lasting effects
Yet you speak boldly into lives...
Like water flowing into a cup.
Well my cup runneth over.
I don't care to hear your hate filled lies.
Speak the truth and admit it was you.
Take the blame and let it rest
Right onto your shoulders.
And stop spreading your hate
Like salve on a wound.
You speak too boldly into lives
When your life has been silently dying.
You cry out in darkness
When no ones around
So you don't have to admit this hate.
But I see it surround you
Along with your ill justifications.
You speak too boldly into lives
But soon the day will come
When someone will speak into yours
And you won't have a thing to say.