Squalor

My heart has felt empty, but it's been filled with the wrong things.
I've been searching for something to make my heart sing
Anything anyone to call mine-- a friend, a foe, a lover, a beau
But they never come around and I wonder why.
Then I realize it's something inside.
There is no love in my heart
No song that fills me and brings me to smile.
No thought that makes me want to love so much
That to lose love I would rather die.
No warmth or normalcy, no that hasn't ever been me.
My heart has been a place of squalor that I've lived
So free and generously did I give.
I thought it was love but was it really?
Or was it done with expectations of love returned freely?
Oh, but love is never done, it just is.
And I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea of this.
My heart can't wrap around the emotion.
I don't even love myself at times, figure that notion.
Fearful to say the word hate,  but it's a harsh truth.
It would be rash but I've thought about this longer than a moment or two.
I hate that the love I received wasn't enough
To get me through all of those years of a life of hate.
They hated the love right out of me and I believed in it.
I hated me too and now I have become deceived in it.
I thought God's presence would change my heart
But God said that the hate that I keep would keep us apart.
And I haven't let it go though I try to act like this is so.
I confuse everyone with old faces and it hurts my soul.
And now I feel so alone.
I want a new heart but I can't get past me.
New experiences and a new life but I still don't feel free.
I am trapped in this place of squalor that I've lived
Thinking I'd be liberated when I would falsely give.
Love is not tangible, it just is.
And my heart just hasn't been able to wrap around this.