Trust

I want it. I swear I do. I don't know how or when I lost it. But I've been looking for it ever since. And my mind never sleeps. But when my body wakes up, I'm yearning to feel like I can believe again. My faith has been shaken to its core. At times, I feel like I've lost my relationship with Him.

For a long time, I forgot to call on Him when I needed to the most. Instead, I relied on worldly things to carry me through to happiness. And for a while, I was content in the frivolity of my life. I fought for nothing but to gratify my innermost desires, no matter how wreckless the outcome would turn out to be. I was rotten inside, yet I didn't feel the sickness taking over me. I lost my compassion for others. I lost the desire to make a difference. I simply rested on my own understanding of life as I knew it in that moment which appeared to be a life of sorrow, disappointment, and self pity.

I hid behind the guise of painted eyes in jewel tones and a slightly curved lip. I decided my life would be about me, and whoever disagreed knew nothing at all. But in reality, it was me who knew not. They told me I was beautiful and had the world ahead of me, but I had no intentions of living up to anyone's expectations. I was going places, but I was deciding the destination. Then I awoke to see the destination I had arrived at. It was dark and I was alone. I shed a tear in the secrecy of my pillow each night, as nobody knew what I felt or even why I felt the way I did. They didn't know I came from a place of loving God and Him loving me. What happened to those days? When did I stop trusting in Him?

I try to remember the moment I gave up on Him, because I think back and see that He never did fail me. And so, I'm trying to get back to that place. I'm trying to get to that place where I can simply call on Him in those moments of need, because it's not about being the best Christian, but having faith in the little things. The smaller details have the greatest significance, as God does not judge based on whether or not you know every scripture or appear to be just and right. Appearances are nothing if your heart is not in sync with the action.

As I think back, I realize that I have no reason to not trust in Him. Yes, some things have happened that have brought me great sorrow. But I believe that God has a plan for everyone and everything even if we don't understand the purpose in those moments. I now see that through the tragedy of losing my mom, God has blessed me with my father. I remember praying each night before I went to bed in hopes that God would allow me to meet my dad, and I not have a very close relationship with him! How is God not faithful to me?! He has always blessed me in my most trying times, and I need to trust in Him like I used to and know that He will bring me through it, if I believe. My father told me that God will not honor your prayers if you don't have the faith behind it that shows you believe it truly can happen...And that's TRUST.